I. do. not. like. bugs.

End of story, really.
But I guess I should give some sort of background.
Or at least the highlights.

Back in high school,
my chemistry classroom was right next to one of the biology labs.
So, occasionally, a cricket would escape and find it's way into my room.
Not too scary, right?
Wrong.
You see, I'm not a big fan of crickets.
They kinda creep me out.
I can handle spiders.
I squeal and get all jittery,
but I eventually get over it,
find a shoe,
and smash the thing to death.
However, put a cricket anywhere near me,
I will run to the other side of the room in a flash.
Don't like 'em.
Anyway, so there was one day when a cricket came wandering into our room.
And it started taunting me.
It quite literally chased me around the room for a good 5 minutes before someone finally killed the thing.

And that's when things started to get interesting in my life....

Ever since that moment,
at least one kind of bug every year has come directly for me.
Aiming to freak me out, sting me, or just bother me.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's the truth.

And they've mostly been crickets.

Example:
I was hiking with some friends a few years ago up in the mountains.
I know there's bugs up there.
But really,
most of the time they may jump on you, then leave you alone.
Not this cricket.
It decided to attack me.

Example 2:
Just this past semester I was sitting in one of the common areas in the dorm,
and a cricket jumped out of no where and landed quite close to my feet.
I squealed, jumped up, and ran across the room.
And it followed me.
Joy.
It took me a while to realize that it wasn't going to eat me or something,
and I finally sat down again.
But I couldn't relax, because it was still in the room watching me.

Example 3: (Non-cricket story)
Summer 2011 I was working on Hilton Head Beach with all the lifeguards, right?
Well, who knew, of all places, I would encounter the biggest bumble bee I have ever seen in my life.
I'm not even kidding.
It was about the size of a half-dollar coin.
Anyway, this thing decided to follow me.
It would circle me over and over,
almost landing on me before I would swat it away with my bag.
We decided to outrun the thing,
and we did!
But only for about a minute.
It found me again.
It was not fun.

Anyway,
all this shows that I do not have a fantastic history with bugs.


Long story short, there is a gnat-type bug that is buzzing around my computer screen right now.
And it's really bugging me.
And it reminded me of all my past experience with bugs.
That's all.

On a brighter note,
God is working.
Powerfully.
And I'm excited to share about it.
But not right now, because it's late,
and I should actually get some sleep tonight.

Blessings!

It stops now.

This past week has been good.
Classes have started.
And I think they'll be good this semester.
Well, for the most part anyway.
No, but really, I think God is going to use this semester to push me,
sanctify me,
and teach me some things.
So I'm excited.
It's going to be hard.
But I think I'm ready for it.

Well, the main reason I needed to write today is because I discovered something last night.
It wasn't something super profound.
But it was something I needed to know about myself.

I never realized how low my view of myself was.
I've never considered myself worthy of much.
Ever.
Because of past experiences, friendships, and other things,
I just always thought I was worthless.
I had bought into the enemy's lies.

And even though I have been delivered from my former way of life,
I still have this same view of myself.
I still, deep down, believe that I don't matter,
that everything I do is wrong somehow,
and that people don't really care what I have to say.
Lies. Lies. Lies.

I can't keep living like this.
It isn't glorifying to God.
And it isn't helping me at all.
Last night was a battle in my mind.
Seriously.
I was fighting all the lies I had been told over the years
with the truth I've been learning recently.
And it wasn't easy.
But it was worth it.

It's time to start living and believing that I am a Child of the King.
Because I am.
He has captured my heart.
And now I am wholly His.

So what I need is:
prayer--because this will end up being a life-long struggle for me. I know that I am going to have to constantly be on guard against these lies that will come up. And I am going to have to fight through them. So prayer is essential.
and encouragement--not that I'm fishing for compliments or anything. But I remember clearly summer 2010 when all this came to a head for the first time, and I thought I could do it on my own....by October I wanted to commit suicide. Obviously, I don't want that to happen again. So, instead, encouragement in whatever for would be appreciated. Bible verses, prayers, whatever. I don't care. But I know that I can't do this alone anymore. And I'm not meant to.

Anyway, I know that God has a lot in store for this semester.
I'm not exactly sure what all He has planned.
But I know that
it is good,
and
He is all I need.
Whatever may come,
my hope is in the Lord.

Blessings.

Sometime Soon

I hope to head out to a magical land
that is filled with roller coasters.

ha.

No, but really.
I have that itch to go ride roller coasters very, very soon.

So, I'm thinking it needs to happen.

While On Break

I was greatly blessed.
And I mean greatly.

My flights were uneventful.
I ended up getting home a lot later than I was supposed to,
but that's no surprise.
I don't think I've ever had a time when a flight was
actually on time.
But anyway,
I made it home.
And my parents, sister, and a few of my closest friends were waiting
to welcome me home.
It was amazing.

Over the two weeks I was home,
I got to spend a lot of time with
my parents,
my sister,
my friends,
my family, and
my dogs.

I also got to do a few things that I had greatly missed while living on the East Coast.
One of which being staring at the mountains.
I had almost forgotten the beauty of them.
I even got the chance to see the cross etched into them. Ah,
it was wonderful.
Truly, if you have never had the chance to see these mountains,
I hope one day you will travel to Albuquerque.
They are unforgettable; they are beautiful.
And they testify to how great our God is.

I also got to go to the River of Lights,
go on the Luminaria Tour,
both of which are yearly traditions in my family.
And they are incredible!
And so many times I got to see the city lights at night.
So beautiful!

Well,
after we rang in the new year,
it was time for me to head out to Atlanta, GA
with some friends for Passion 2012!
Woot Woot!
We had a 20 hour drive before us,
so we broke it down into 2 parts.
Part one: ABQ--->DFW
Part two: DFW--->ATL
Longest drives. Ever.
I thought that driving 27 hours on my own was hard.
This was harder.
I was just so ready to be at Passion...that the wait was worse.
But I filled my time by reading, talking, sleeping, and preparing my heart for what was about to happen.
(I read The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun on my way out there. Incredible book! Seriously.
If you have never read it, you should.
Brother Yun is a Chinese Christian,
and this book is his autobiography of what happened to him while he lived in China.
He has a powerful testimony.)

We finally got to ATL!
PTL!

I'm still in processing mode about what went down in the Dome.
God spoke to me in some powerful ways.
And I am pretty positive that I don't even know the full extent
of what He's done in my heart.

But what I do know is this:
I don't want to be silent or ashamed about what God has done in my life anymore.
I'm tired of being scared to talk to people about God simply because I'm not sure if they'll like what I have to say. Or because I don't want them to think badly about me.
I have a serious fear of man problem. I tend to want to please men rather than pleasing God.
This is a huge issue.
And it's time to put an end to that.
I'm ready to live a life recklessly abandoned to God.
No matter what the cost.
No matter what He tells me to do.
It's time.

God showed me a lot about my heart over these past few weeks.
He's showed me that there's still a lot of work to be done.
I'm still a work in progress.
And I pray and hope that He will never stop His work on me
until I see His glorious face in heaven.

God also showed me a passion in my life that He's been working on for a while.
Passion's focus was about freedom.
Freeing the 27 million slaves of this generation.
And through the stories of slaves
and the advocates of freeing the slaves and making the name of Jesus known,
God showed me that He wants me to be a part of this movement.
Not just by giving money to help end slavery,
but by actively praying and possibly even going to help.
He wants me to be involved.
And I want to be involved to.

So, I was blessed during break.
Not just by family and friends,
but by God speaking to my heart about a lot of things.

I don't know what's going to happen this week, this month, this semester, this summer, or this year.
But I have faith that the God of the universe,
and the Lord of my life,
will direct me down the path that He has set before my feet.
I just need to submit myself to Him
and He will take care of the rest.

Blessings in the new year!

Two Days

Just two days
three and a half hours of drive time
and nine and a half hours of flight time
separate me from my family and friends
back home.

I hope it flies by.
Seriously.
I haven't been able to sit still for the past few days,
because I know that I'm so close.

It's been almost 7 months since I've been home.
It's high time I see everyone again,
and spend some quality time with family and friends.

I cannot wait!

Reflecting on the Past

So, because I've been reflecting over this past year a lot over the past couple of weeks, I decided to share exactly what God has been up to. Basically, this is my testimony. But, I just feel like it's something that needs to go out there...


I grew up in a God-believing family, and at the age of 8 I trusted Christ as my Savior and Lord. As I grew up, I wanted to know more about God and I was taught, kind of, how to serve Him and love Him. I always thought that I had to work at Christianity and serve God so that He would keep loving me. During high school a lot of things happened to me that made me question God. I had friends attempting suicide, cutting themselves, and I went through a relationship with a guy that impacted me for years. He used me to try to make himself feel like he wasn't gay, attempted suicide while in the relationship, and then ended up breaking up with me by telling me that I wasn't enough to make him feel like he could keep living a lie. Anyway, that broke my heart, deeply affected my self-esteem, and deeply hurt my relationship with God. For years I dealt with my hurt heart by just ignoring it. And then about a year ago, I was tired of living a lie. I was tired of pretending to be okay when I was hurting. So I thought the best way to take care of the hurt was shut out God. I pushed Him away, all the while thinking I would feel better because the "cause" of my hurt was no longer in my life. I started making decisions all on my own. I went to school pursuing all that I wanted to do. I got a job in a field that I thought I would love. I kept going to church, because that's what the good person would do. But this entire time, I was miserable. I hated my life, hated myself. I came to believe that I was the problem. I was to blame for my ex choosing to be gay. I was to blame for my brokenness. I was to blame for the problems in my life and any that showed up in my family. And I just needed to end my life. I started working on a plan to commit suicide. I knew what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and I had written several letters to friends and family saying goodbye. But when the time came around, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. Something was holding me back. And I knew Who it was. God still had a hold of my life, even if it was a small one. That night I cried out to Him, begging Him to do something, to change me in a big way. And He did. He started showing me that He loves me more than I could even imagine. He started changing me from the inside out. I learned what true Christianity is all about: loving God and glorifying Him. It's not about the works I do, but simply about singing His praises and loving Him, and glorifying Him. God slowly started showing me what I was doing wasn't what He had planned. So I started seeking after Him. He showed me where I needed to go to school, SEBTS, so I worked toward that. He started working everything out, and I can honestly say that I had nothing to do with it. I have no idea what God is going to tell me to do next, where He's going to take me, or anything like that. But I do know that He has a plan, and I intend to follow Him. Lately He's been working in my life in some pretty amazing ways. He's been sanctifying me in every possible way. And it's been one of the hardest seasons of my life. But seeing that God still loves me enough to work on me has been truly humbling and oh so glorious. I am so glad to know that I have a Savior who won't give up on me. 
So, that's me. That's where I was, and where I am now.
It's crazy to think of what God can do in one year.
He is awesome.

Finals. Ick.

So this week is finals week. 

As is next week. 

But three of my finals are this week.
I've taken one.

I have one tomorrow, one Friday, and then my last one is next Tuesday!

And then I'll be done!

But in all reality, 

my learning doesn't stop there.
These classes have truly opened my eyes to everything that I still don't know. 

Which is SO much. 

I still have so much history, philosophy, theology that I don't know. 

And I need to know it so I can make informed decisions,

as well as communicate my faith well. 

So I'll keep learning.
Of course I have next semester to continue learning as well, 

but even outside of class I need to be diligent in learning. 

The past couple of weeks have also been a time of reflection for me. 

I've been reflecting on where I was a year ago, 

and where God has brought me in that short amount of time. 

Looking back, I've been able to see how gracious and amazing God really is. 

He has had His hand in my life this whole time, 

and that time last year when I wasn't doing well, 

God is using that to remind me of how great He is. 

And maybe one day He will be able to use it for His glory. 

Anyway, during this stressful time of finals and as the semester is coming to a close,

God has been working in my life.
He's teaching me patience. 

But most of all, 

He's teaching me how to rest in Him.

He's teaching me that sometimes I do just need to walk away from things

and just escape with Him.
Most of all, I just need to leave everything at His feet, 

and through all things that He directs me to do, I need to worship Him. 

Because it's not about me. 

It's all about Him and Him alone.