Tis the Last

Day of May, that is. 

I can't believe that tomorrow will be the first day of June. 

It's just so crazy. 

So crazy. 

This year is just flying by. 

Rach left on Monday to go on vacation with her mom and sister. 

And I know that she's having a blast. 

But I miss her. 

It's been so weird being alone in the mornings. 

I'm not used to it anymore. 

So, this is just another thing for me to 

trust the Lord through. 

Today at work, we're going on a field trip....

to Jubala!!

It's going to be the greatest field trip ever!!

I mean, going to get coffee and waffles with my kids?!

It's going to be awesome. 

And it'll make for a great Friday!

Also, I'm going to Kings Dominion tomorrow!!

Holla!

We're gonna have a blast. :)

I'm so excited! I can't wait to ride some roller coasters. 

Ah! 

Anyway, it's going to be a few exciting days! 

Blessings.

[Random]

I've become a really bad blogger this year.
I just can't keep up.
And I guess a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been
over the past month or so.
I've just been on the go.
But it's been so wonderful.

My sister came for a visit a couple of weeks ago.
And we had a blast.
We went up to DC.
(Let me tell you,
it was beautiful.
I wish we could have stayed longer to
explore more.
But I guess I'll just hope to go there
again one day.)
We also just hung out around
Raleigh
and did some random things.
But I think she enjoyed it,
and I know I loved having her here.

And this past weekend my friend
came up from the SC.
We went to see Star Trek into Darkness.
My. Word.
That. Movie.
I want to buy it.
I want to watch it over and over again.
It. Was. Wonderful.
Oh so wonderful.
No kidding.
You should see it,
even if you're not a Trekie...
you'd like this movie.
We also watched Grey's Anatomy's
season finale.
We were yelling at the screen together...
at the same parts.
Because we're cool like that.
And we were quoting Star Trek to one another
for the remainder of the weekend.
Ah.
So good.
We also went to the beach for a short little get away.
And we all got a little burned by the sun.
But mine has turned to a lovely tan.
yesssss.
It was wonderful to have her come.
Even if it was so short.
And it's good that I'm going to get to see her
in a month!
We'll get to continue our tradition of watching
at least one episode of
Harper's Island and Sherlock together.
Can't wait!!

I think another reason why I've turned into a terrible blogger this year,
is because I feel like I just repeat myself over and over.
I don't really have any new stories, or anything like that.
My heart is still broken.
And the Lord is still teaching me how to live with it and trust Him through it.
It's the same thing.
So I guess it's just easier for me to not write about it over and over.
But just to write about it maybe once a month.

So...
time is flying.
There's only 11 more days in May...
it's just cray cray.
I just don't understand how it's going by so fast.
But at the same time I'm thankful it's flying.
Because I am ready to be home.

Rach leaves in about a week.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
At all.
But I'll learn how to be, I guess.
The Lord is good.
He is faithful.
Even in this.

So, yeah.
I'm a little all over the place.
I'm starting to pack...sorta.
Mainly, I'm just starting to go through what I want to take with me,
and what I can leave behind/get rid of/give to Rach or others.
It's a rather big process.
But, I shall make it. Ha.
I kinda have to.

Blessings.

Two Months

Well, tomorrow will officially be two months left in Raleigh! I can't even believe how quickly time has gone by! And it just keeps flying.
But the Lord has been faithful through it all.

I don't think I can even begin to describe how bittersweet this whole situation is. I'm so ready to be back with my parents. I'm ready to be there to support them and love them. I'm ready to do what I can to take some of the stress off both of my parents. I'm excited that I'll get to spend some time with them one-on-one everyday. But I'm also excited to do things with them--especially little projects with my mom. (We're going to try our hand at making our own pickles. And I think we're going to take a cake decorating class together.) I'm excited about getting to watch a tv show with my dad and go on walks with him. I'm excited about getting to spend some time with my sister--go shopping, maybe start working out with her. I'm excited about hopefully building a closer relationship with my cousins (especially Phoebe). I want to be able to love them and have opportunities to speak the gospel into their lives.
But on the other hand, it's going to be so hard to leave. The Lord has truly blessed my time here in Raleigh. I'm going to miss my job at Ravenscroft. The people I work with are some of the greatest. And the kids, though they can drive me crazy, are a great source of joy in my life. I know I'm not directly able to tell them the gospel, but there have been times I've been able to share my faith and everyday I'm given the opportunity to show them the love and grace Christ has shown me.
This might sound a little silly, but I'm going to miss the coffee here. There just aren't any good coffee shops in the 505. So when I'm just wanting a good almond latte, what will this girl do?? Jubala won't be there! Ah! So. June 27th, the search for a good coffee shop will begin.
And, here's another silly one: I'm going to miss a grocery store. (I know, I'm wierd.) But I'm really going to miss having an Aldi. I love that place! It's so wonderful!
I'm going to desperately miss my church. This Body has surrounded me with love and grace through this whole situation with my dad. They've supported me in so many ways, and I'm going to miss them greatly...especially those who are in my Growth (small) group. These men and women have spoken the gospel and truth into my life week in and week out. They have been one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given me. Within my small group, there are the ladies, and my heart has grown to love them more and more. With every passing week, my heart grows ever fonder of them, and the walls I have built up to protect myself continue to come down. I am blessed with grace and love when they surround me.
And most of all, I'm really going to miss having Rachel around. She's been my closest friend while I've been in WaFo/Raleigh. She's been a great support, and she has pushed me toward Christ. And it's going to be so very weird to not have her around. So weird.



But, even though it's going to be hard to leave, there is a greater joy to be had back home.
I still have no idea what's going to happen with my dad, but I do know I want to be there to support him and love him through the next steps.
So.
Two Months left.
Craziness.



Oh,
and my sister's coming for a visit in 8 days!!!!!!!
It's going to be a blast!

Blessings.

Happy Easter

Today has been wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.

Today, as many of you know, is Easter Sunday. Today we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Gathering with IDC this morning for worship was a glorious time of celebration. Eight people were baptized during the worship services, one of whom was my roommate Rachel. It was amazing to hear her share her story with our church family, and with great joy I watched her be symbolically buried with Christ and then raised to walk in newness of life. It was such a beautiful picture of the Gospel of Christ.

Later in the afternoon we went with a group from IDC to an apartment complex that has many international people, and we did an Easter Egg Hunt and passed out some food with the intention of building relationships and having Gospel-centered conversations. Rachel ended up meeting some ladies in high school. She's praying that shell have more opportunities to hang out with them and build relationships with them.

So, overall, it's been a grace filled day. The Lord has been so good and so faithful.

Blessings.

P.S.
My dad is home again. He was released from the rehab center on Thursday. So I know that it's exciting for him to be back home in a comfortable place. And I know my mom is thankful to have him back home with her.

Grace.

Well I guess it's about time I write...something.
I know,
I know.
It's been almost two weeks.

But honestly,
these two weeks have been super hard,
but great at the same time.
And I haven't had the time,
nor have I really felt like writing...
but I need to.
I gotta get it out of my heart and head
and onto "paper."

So.
Here goes.

I guess I really want to start with the goings-on with my dad this past week.
Last Sunday I got a call from my mom saying that my dad was on his way to the ER via ambulance. She said that he was having a ton of pain in his left hip and wasn't able to walk.
Thus begins my worry and pain because I wasn't able to be there for them.
Anyway, they ran a whole bunch of tests over the course of the next three days. (He had to be admitted to the hospital due to his pain and inability to walk.) And with each test, we never got any more answers.
Talk about frustrating.
Then they finally found out that he had a pinched nerve in his spine that could only be corrected with surgery.
But, he can't have surgery because he's doing chemo.
Goodness.
So, they decided to do an epidural to help control the pain.
That happened on Thursday.
And so he started walking a bit to get used to it again.
And on Friday he fell. (He's okay though. He just scraped up his knees pretty badly.) But because he fell, the doctors couldn't clear him to go home.
Today they transported him to a rehab center where he'll be until he's strong enough and stable enough in his walking abilities to go home.

It's been a hard week.
It reminded me so much of the week back in November when we first found out about his cancer.
And just as He was then, the Lord was and is faithful now.
He provided answers. He provided comfort.
He provided faith to trust Him.
There were many times this week I was overwhelmed and tempted to doubt the goodness of God.
But in those moments,
His love would flood my heart and my mind and draw me further into Himself.
I've been reminded this week of why I want to go home.

Even in the midst of the hard of the week,
the Lord has given me great cause to be joyful in Him.
My Growth Group (my small group at IDC) has been faithful in lifting me up before the Father.
And I am so thankful for each of them.
Because these people I have chosen to love and serve
have been helping me lean hard on Christ.
They are an evidence of God's grace in my life.
This past week Rachel and I have been talking a lot.
We've had some pretty late nights. But they've been wonderful.
I am going to greatly miss our chatting about Christ and the Gospel,
and about random little things.
She's been a source of great encouragement and love in my life.
And it's been so evident over this past week.

My life is full of grace.
Even though it's been hard,
I am still better off than I deserve.
I deserve to be suffering under the wrath of the Lord.
But in His Sovereignty, He's chosen me. He's redeemed me.
How beautiful is this grace.
How beautiful is this love.

Blessings.

"Official" Taste Tester

Yes, that would be me.
I have been participating in
a Bread Taste Test
given by the
NCSU Sensory Service Center
(http://www.ncsu.edu/sensory/).

It is the first taste test that they've offered
that I've either qualified to participate in
or have had some time in my schedule to go.

Anyway, I've been going everyday this week.
It's been really cool to try different kinds of breads.
I've always wanted to be a taste tester for something,
and now I can check this off of my bucket list.
It's been fun.
But I'm ready not to drive down to NCSU everyday.
It's just a little out of the way.

Well, my heart is just a little overwhelmed right now.
Maybe not just a little,
but a lot.

I got to go home last week.
And I am so very thankful that I did.
It was such a blessing to spend an entire week
with my family.
I got a lot of one-on-one time
with each of my parents and my sister;
I am thankful.

With all of that though,
I was overwhelmed.
I saw and learned a lot more
about how each of them were feeling.
(I basically knew,
but having them tell me was a huge deal.)
I saw how deeply hearts were hurting.
I saw how greatly comfort was needed.

And all I could do was cry out to the Father.

That's still all I can do.

My heart isn't the only one that still needs healing.
Theirs' are too.

We got some more news today
that presents some new challenges.
And they will force us to lean more heavily
on the provision of the Almighty.
They will cause us to wait
with great expectations
on God.

With all this happening,
I am greatly looking forward to when
I will be back at home with my parents.
I guess it's finally time to announce:
I'm moving back to the 505.
The Lord has been drawing my heart back
to home.
And it's where I need to be
so that I can best support and love my family
during this hard time in life.
So.
Come June,
I'll be trekking back across the country.

With this in mind,
the Lord has been starting to prepare my heart
about what's to come.
I don't necessarily know
what He has in store.
But I'm feeling Him move
and start to prepare me
for this new start.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.
But,
even in all this craziness,
I am thankful for what the Lord is accomplishing.
I don't know the specifics
of what He is changing in me and growing in me.
But He is drawing me to Himself.
He is making me more like Himself.
And when my heart is overwhelmed,
to Him I can run.
And run to Him I shall.

Psalm 61:1-4
"Hear my cry, O God; give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings."

Psalm 68: 19
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation."

He is my good.

Blessings.

And it hits again...

You know how there are times that heartache and pain will ebb and flow?

I've been going through a season where the pain as been less. 

And it's been good.

It hasn't been easy, but it's been a blessing straight from the Lord.

The pain was less, and I was joyful.

The pain is starting to flow again though. 

The pain of my broken heart is starting to become more and more real. 

And today has been evident of that. 

I've been struggling a lot more over the past few days.
My heart hurts more than it has in a few weeks.
This could be caused by the lack of communication between me and my parents.
(Talking to them everyday becomes rather difficult when I don't have access to my cell phone.)
The inability to talk to them has reopened the wound...
almost as if I'm truly realizing the what is happening.
You know, the reality of the situation.
It's all hitting again.
And I feel almost immobilized.

I've been struggling in desiring to come before the Father.
I know I need to.
And by a certain point in the day, I finally run to Him.
But I'm really struggling.
It's hard at times for me to even pray...I lack energy, and I feel a huge burden.
This is one of those times when I will have to labor in prayer.
It's not going to be an easy season of coming before the Father, but one that will require discipline on my part.

So I keep crying out to God.
I keep begging Him to remind me of my sin, of my unworthiness, so that His grace might become that much sweeter to me.
I keep asking Him to use this time in my life for His glory and for my sanctification.

In the end,
He is the only One who will satisfy me.
Even though I'm struggling, I can still see the beauty of His grace and the gospel.
And that, my friends, is all because of His grace that He has lavished on me.
On my own, I am prideful and arrogant, and I think that I can do things on my own.
But the gospel confronts those issues in my heart and tears them to pieces.
Praise God for this gospel of His!

So, yes, the pain and gravity of the situation with my dad is hitting my heart once again.
But the riches of God's glorious grace are also raining down on my heart.
I can only hope in Christ and ask that His will be done.

Blessings.