Let's Be Honest

I have a really hard time opening up to new people.
It's not that I don't like meeting new people.
But until I have a lot of time to observe others and really get to know them,
I'm a really quiet person.
I always have been this way...
or at least for as long as I can remember.
I do admit that I have some trust issues,
And I'm working on overcoming those with the Lord's help.
But it's a struggle for me to open up to "newer" people.
Even if I've hung out with them for a few consecutive weeks.

The whole reason I'm bringing this up is just because I feel like a loner.
Seriously.
Here at school, I don't have that many friends.
I mean, I know a lot of people,
I have a lot of acquaintances,
But I don't really know people.
And that's a problem for me.
I crave people. NOT the attention of people.
But just being around people that I know, and that know me.
There's fellowship in just sitting with people. And I love that kind of fellowship.
I love to just sit and listen to other people.
And I haven't found much time for that since being here.
And I'm having a hard time finding my place.
Finding where God wants me.
It's a struggle.
This is probably mostly my fault.
I'm not good at all at putting myself out there,
Making myself vulnerable.
Often I feel like people look at me like I have my life completely together.
Like I'm putting on a face.
But I'm really not.
I just have a hard time showing my real feelings to people I don't know.
People I haven't had any real time with.
But, the problem is, I don't know how to fix this.
I don't know how to make new friends.
(I know that sounds really stupid.)
But I feel like I'm intruding on people when I want to hang out with others.
Or get to know them.
This has always been a problem with me.
I don't want to burden anyone.
And I guess that's how I've always seen myself: a burden.
But I'm learning that I'm not.
I'm not that at all.
And by thinking that for all these years,
I've, indeed, hindered my growth in my relationships with others,
But, more importantly, my relationship with God.
How dumb I am.
God has to teach me the same lessons over.
And over.
And over.
You would think by now I would have learned these things.
But I guess not.

It's so easy for me to express myself in writing.
I've always found comfort in writing out my feelings and thoughts.
But speaking to others and telling them what's really going on is hard for me.
Like this blog,
I have no idea how many people actually read this.
And I really don't care. Because this is a place for me to express myself.
But having a conversation with someone I don't really know is hard.
Extremely hard.
On the verge of impossible actually.
It's painful.
It's nerve-wracking.
And that explains why for most of my life I have avoided it.
But at the same time I so desperately want to know people and have them know me.
I want them to know my story and I want to know theirs.
I want to see the Biblical church come alive.

So how do these things balance out?
Jesus.
He's going to have to continue His work in me.
Which He's already begun.
(Just to let you know.)
He's already showing me that this is a problem,
And this needs to be dealt with by Him.
Am I going to allow Him to have control of this area of my life?
Absolutely.
Because I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being afraid to speak.
And I want Him to be glorified in my life.
This change, it's not going to be easy.
But when has my life ever been easy?
Ha.
Oh, I can't wait to see what God is going to do through this.