So, because I've been reflecting over this past year a lot over the past couple of weeks, I decided to share exactly what God has been up to. Basically, this is my testimony. But, I just feel like it's something that needs to go out there...
I grew up in a God-believing family, and at the age of 8 I trusted Christ as my Savior and Lord. As I grew up, I wanted to know more about God and I was taught, kind of, how to serve Him and love Him. I always thought that I had to work at Christianity and serve God so that He would keep loving me. During high school a lot of things happened to me that made me question God. I had friends attempting suicide, cutting themselves, and I went through a relationship with a guy that impacted me for years. He used me to try to make himself feel like he wasn't gay, attempted suicide while in the relationship, and then ended up breaking up with me by telling me that I wasn't enough to make him feel like he could keep living a lie. Anyway, that broke my heart, deeply affected my self-esteem, and deeply hurt my relationship with God. For years I dealt with my hurt heart by just ignoring it. And then about a year ago, I was tired of living a lie. I was tired of pretending to be okay when I was hurting. So I thought the best way to take care of the hurt was shut out God. I pushed Him away, all the while thinking I would feel better because the "cause" of my hurt was no longer in my life. I started making decisions all on my own. I went to school pursuing all that I wanted to do. I got a job in a field that I thought I would love. I kept going to church, because that's what the good person would do. But this entire time, I was miserable. I hated my life, hated myself. I came to believe that I was the problem. I was to blame for my ex choosing to be gay. I was to blame for my brokenness. I was to blame for the problems in my life and any that showed up in my family. And I just needed to end my life. I started working on a plan to commit suicide. I knew what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and I had written several letters to friends and family saying goodbye. But when the time came around, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. Something was holding me back. And I knew Who it was. God still had a hold of my life, even if it was a small one. That night I cried out to Him, begging Him to do something, to change me in a big way. And He did. He started showing me that He loves me more than I could even imagine. He started changing me from the inside out. I learned what true Christianity is all about: loving God and glorifying Him. It's not about the works I do, but simply about singing His praises and loving Him, and glorifying Him. God slowly started showing me what I was doing wasn't what He had planned. So I started seeking after Him. He showed me where I needed to go to school, SEBTS, so I worked toward that. He started working everything out, and I can honestly say that I had nothing to do with it. I have no idea what God is going to tell me to do next, where He's going to take me, or anything like that. But I do know that He has a plan, and I intend to follow Him. Lately He's been working in my life in some pretty amazing ways. He's been sanctifying me in every possible way. And it's been one of the hardest seasons of my life. But seeing that God still loves me enough to work on me has been truly humbling and oh so glorious. I am so glad to know that I have a Savior who won't give up on me.
So, that's me. That's where I was, and where I am now.
It's crazy to think of what God can do in one year.
He is awesome.
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