The Beauty

of serving God is not knowing 

all the answers.
This past week has 

been wonderful

and hard 

all at the same time. 

I've cried with friends, 

for friends, 

and over so many other things. 

It's just been one of those weeks. 

And I have a feeling that that's what 

this upcoming week will be as well. 

I don't really know what to think of

this past week. 

It seriously flew by, 

but while I was in it, 

it took forever to go by. 

God has been up to something lately 

in my life.

He's been showing me a lot 

of grace and mercy.

And He's been showing me

that there's still a lot

I don't know. 

Thursday night after our leadership meeting 

I found myself greatly discouraged. 

I heard things in that meeting that 

brought me down spiritually.

You see, 

I have a hard time opening up in front of a lot of people.

And generally just with people in general.

Until I know them. 

So that means that I tend to not talk a whole lot.

This is something that God is working in my heart about.

I desperately want to talk.

I want to be open and vulnerable. 

But it's so hard for me. 

God is teaching me to trust 

the people in my life. 

This is another thing that I'm learning to do. 

It's time for me to let go of what happened in the past

and trust the people in the present. 

So, I'm wholly leaning on the Lord during this time

in my life. 

But anyway, 

Thursday night I was reminded of the consequences of 

me not talking. 

The co-leader in my group is then "forced" to talk a lot, 

because no one else talks. 

And that includes me. 

Our group in general should be a really talkative group, 

but they just don't. 

And Thursday night I couldn't help but wonder if 

it was my fault. 

Was I generating a secrecy or "no-talking" zone 

by keeping silent? 

Was I discouraging active participation? 

Somehow, 

I came to the conclusion that this was all my fault. 

I felt terrible. 

Friday came around,

and I ended up feeling even worse. 

Those things from the night before were

even greater in my mind. 

But in all this,

God was at work. 

Friday morning I went to a

friend's house to bake with her.

And while baking,

we got to talk about everything.

She didn't point out Scripture to me 

or preach to me, 

but she told me things from her past. 

She told me of how God worked in her past in similar ways. 

She said that she was never a really open person,

until she met her husband, 

and even then, 

she was very quiet around him. 

This comforted me,

because it reminded me that God 

is still working in my life. 

I'm not perfect. 

I will never be perfect until Christ returns. 

He's using this time in my life to 

sanctify me

and 

mold me

into being more like Christ. 

It's going to take time to open up 

to people. 

Just like it always has. 

But knowing this about myself, 

maybe I can speed up the process a little bit. 

I can be praying and seeking out

opportunities to get to know others

so that I will be more open

when it comes to sharing in 

a group setting. 

But I can also be patient knowing

that God is going to continue the work 

that He has already started. 

He's not going to leave me hanging, 

but He's going to keep sanctifying me. 

What a glorious thought!

So, anyway, 

lots of things have been happening 

other than that. 

And through it all, 

God has been faithful. 

I'm confused about my future and 

some of the things that are going on right now,

but it's okay. 

I don't have to fear what's unknown to me.

God is in control of it all, 

and I can trust that He's working it all out

for my good and His glory.

So, I will find joy 

in this time

of uncertainty, 

confusion, 

excitement, 

pain, 

and hardship.

Because my Lord has taken hold 

of my right hand,

and He is leading me. 

Blessings.

(Oh, and my parents are the best ever. They sent me another box full of loveliness. haha. I love them. A lot.)

My Heart Hurts

but not for myself.
I have friends who are going
through hard times right now.
Really hard times.
And it's times such as this
where I could do something for them.
I don't know what I could do,
but just something.

And there is.
Prayer is powerful.
Prayer is coming before my Father
and begging Him on behalf of
my friends who are struggling right now.
And I can trust that God hears my prayers.
I can approach boldly before His heavenly
throne based on the
blood of Jesus Christ
and ask
Him
to work in their lives through
the pain,
through
the heartache,
through
the frustration
in only a way that
He can.

God is more powerful.
He does still move.
And He commands me to pray.
So, my heart may be extremely burdened by
so many people
and situations.
But it's in these times that talking to
God is so important.
And that's precisely what I plan to do.

Blessings.

The Box has Arrived!

Well, after much waiting
and anticipation,
the box
has finally come.
I seriously had to contain my excitement.
Anyway, I got back to my room
and immediately opened it.
Inside I found
a small stuffed animal,
candy corn,
bubble wrap,
nutella,
and about five different kinds of soup mixes.
My parents know me well.
So, needless to say,
I'm pretty happy.
This box has made my day.

Happy Valentine's Day?

In years past, 

I have always been the girl 

to make all the valentines and 

hand them out to people. 

It was just something I enjoyed doing. 

I liked to remind people that I cared about them

and that they were loved. 

NOT that I still don't want to do that, 

but I just haven't had the time this semester. 

But anyway, 

Valentine's day for many is a time of sorrow, 

because they don't have someone special to share it with. 

Others find great joy in sharing this day

with that someone special. 

This day has never really been a sorrowful day, 

or a most joyous occasion.

It's just been one just like any other. 

I've never had a "special someone" on this day.

But I have had people tell me that

my Valentine is Jesus. 

(Yes, He died on the cross for me

and I love Him with every fiber of my being, 

but I don't like the idea of equivocating 

the Savior of the world with a worldly Valentine.

It just isn't right.
Back to topic.)

And yeah, it kinda made me feel better, 

but it's still hard to be single and watch

couples be all lovey-dovey to each other. 

(Not gonna lie, it really makes me sad.)

Because as much as I want to ignore it, 

I have a deep longing in my heart 

to be pursued,

to be loved,

to be wanted

by someone else.

And this day,

more than any other, 

brings up those longings. 

It also brings up all of my insecurities.

Am I worthwhile?

Am I beautiful?

Am I lovable?

Am I someone to be desired by another?

Will anyone ever choose to pursue me?

So many questions pound through my head throughout the day.

So many.

And in the past, 

I've not only had the Scripture to remind me of my identity in Christ,

but I've also had my family surrounding me. 

They always encouraged me on this day,

pointing me back to God and His love. 

But today, 

after little sleep last night, 

I found that I was very far away from them. 

And it took every ounce of strength I had left

to open up the Word and start reading. 

But through that,

God spoke.

He reminded me of His work on the cross,

of how I am found in Him,

and I am secure in Him. 

So, today has been a battle so far.

And it's going to keep being one.

Countless times I've been going back to Scripture. 

I need the truth to fight away these lies, 

because I certainly cannot do it. 

God is working in all this. 

I thank Him for the hard days, 

because it's through those days that 

He does His mightiest works in my life. 

He is refining my heart, 

continuing to change my desires toward Him. 

Psalm 73:22-28 has been on my mind and in my heart 

for the past couple of weeks:

"Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works."

God is near in this time, 

and that is my good. 

So happy Valentine's Day? 

Sure, I hope it's good. 

Because, even if I'm not feeling the best this day,

ultimately, my identity is in Christ, 

He is near, and I'm good.

Blessings.

The Box Part 2

I got an email from my dad today.
Here's what it said:

The BOX contents have you wondering………  This is good---very good.

Some hints – it a small box.  So it’s none of the things you mentioned on your blog.  It involves sugar, and something that will be hot at some time and something soft.  There will also be some popping noises after you open the BOX. 

I must apologize – it will hopefully get into the mail today – I am at work and mom is at home sick today.  Steph has the day off, so I’m going to ask her to go to the house and get mom some soup for lunch and then take the BOX to the post office.

BTW, I’m allowed to drive you crazy.  I’m the dad.

And this dad loves you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now that the contents that I have thought were in

the box

have been ruled out,

my mind is now working overtime to figure out what is in 

the box.

So rude.

But so thrilling at the same time. 

Sometime this week I will be getting 

a box 

from my parents, 

and I can't wait to get it. 

Mainly because I miss my parents, 

but also because I am dying to know what is in

the box. 

On another note, 

today was quite thrilling.

A group of us girls from church

went to a nursing home

and delivered flowers and cards 

to widows

for Valentine's Day. 

They were so sweet and so very surprised 

that we would remember them. 

So, Happy Valentine's Day (a day early).

I know that it's a commercial holiday, 

and is usually reserved for couples. 

But I find special joy in it. 

It reminds me of how special it will be 

when I do actually have someone to share it with.

But not only that, but I find that this day

is one where I can encourage my fellow sisters in Christ

and remind them that they are loved. 

Blessings. 

The Box

So the other day while I was talking to my dad on his birthday,
he told me something.
He told me that he and my mom were getting ready to send me a package.
But then he proceeded to tell me that I would have to
wait
to find out what they were sending me.
Why even tell me that you're sending me something,
if you're not going to tell me what's in the box
That's what I want to know.
The past few days I have been going over and over
 and over in my mind what could possibly be in
the box.
And there are just so many possibilities!
I told them a couple weeks ago of a few things
that I wanted from home...
but I was thinking they would just send them across the country
with my grandparents when they take a trip out this way...
I don't know.
My guesses:
-my cupcake pans
-my cupcake books
-my Nintendo game system
-salsa

But that's all I can think of.
Gah, I just want to know!
(Obviously, I am not good with surprises.
They tend to drive me crazy.
So, future notice: don't tell me about something,
unless you fully intend to tell me a good majority of the details.
Because if you just tell me a little bit about it,
I will be going over every possible thing in my mind
trying to figure it out.)
Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of
the box.
And I will post results
of what was actually in
the box.

Blessings.

A New Season

So these past couple of weeks have been all over the place.
Both emotionally and spiritually.
I have been watching God do some
amazing
things in my life and in the lives of close friends around me.
It's been incredible to say the least.
It's humbling and exciting all at the same time.

I don't even know where to begin talking about my life though.
But I know I need to be real about it.
Some of my biggest struggles over this past week have been spiritual.
The enemy has been bringing back a whole lot of junk that I thought I had dealt with.
But it's still there.
And it's something that I've been fighting through.
I said this last time, but I'm not going to sit by and watch as he tears me apart.
I'm ready to fight this battle.
No matter how hard it gets.
And it got hard this past Saturday.
I was lonely, homesick, and exhausted.
And satan took that opportunity to kick me while I was down.
He hounded me with thoughts of worthlessness,
stupidity, anger, jealousy, all the stuff in my past.
And I had to fight hard not to cave in and pity myself.
I told the Gospel to myself over and over and over.
I had to keep Christ at the forefront of my mind.
And I'm so very thankful that I did.

Along those same lines, I've been spiritually oppressed by the enemy.
It's not that he's just sending mean thoughts my way,
which he probably is,
but it feels almost as if he is bearing down on me,
trying to shove me to the ground.
Anyway, during these times,
I generally have a hard time sleeping at night.
I'll wake up in the middle of the night praying constantly.
Sometimes I'll even start pacing my room while I'm sleeping.
It's just restless nights.
And it's been hard.
I have early classes, and a lot to get done.
So I've been averaging a between 5-6 hours of sleep...
which I am totally not used to.
But even with the exhaustion,
God has been faithful to me,
just as He always is.
I find that I have just enough energy to get me through each day,
and I have just enough time to get everything I absolutely need to get done that day.
He is more than able.
And I just need to learn to trust in Him more.

But there is also good things happening...
friendships are seriously being grown/forged in my life.
For this, I am very thankful.
Very thankful.
Last semester, I was lonely all the time,
and I just didn't understand why I didn't have many friends.
It takes time to make friends.
I know that now.
But now I have them.
And I can't thank God enough.
They have been my sanity in all this.
He's truly blessed me.

As I've been going through all of this,
God has been drawing me closer to His heart.
I wish I could describe how amazing it is,
but I don't think there are enough words.
He's been revealing so much to me through His Word.
And He's been storing it up in my heart.
Some of my favorite passages right now are:
-Psalm 73:23-28
-Hebrews 6:17-20
-Hebrews 7:24-25
-Ephesians 3:14-21
They have been an encouragement to me,
as well as a challenge.
God still has the desire on my heart to proclaim the Gospel,
to be bold in my speech and my actions, and to love the hurting.
I ask, just like Paul, that you "pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me int he opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak" (Ephesians 6:19-20).

So, I may be entering a new season in life.
One of constant battle, exhaustion, and busy-ness.
But as long as the Lord is the center of my life,
and I am near His heart,
then I think I will be just fine.

Blessings.

I. do. not. like. bugs.

End of story, really.
But I guess I should give some sort of background.
Or at least the highlights.

Back in high school,
my chemistry classroom was right next to one of the biology labs.
So, occasionally, a cricket would escape and find it's way into my room.
Not too scary, right?
Wrong.
You see, I'm not a big fan of crickets.
They kinda creep me out.
I can handle spiders.
I squeal and get all jittery,
but I eventually get over it,
find a shoe,
and smash the thing to death.
However, put a cricket anywhere near me,
I will run to the other side of the room in a flash.
Don't like 'em.
Anyway, so there was one day when a cricket came wandering into our room.
And it started taunting me.
It quite literally chased me around the room for a good 5 minutes before someone finally killed the thing.

And that's when things started to get interesting in my life....

Ever since that moment,
at least one kind of bug every year has come directly for me.
Aiming to freak me out, sting me, or just bother me.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's the truth.

And they've mostly been crickets.

Example:
I was hiking with some friends a few years ago up in the mountains.
I know there's bugs up there.
But really,
most of the time they may jump on you, then leave you alone.
Not this cricket.
It decided to attack me.

Example 2:
Just this past semester I was sitting in one of the common areas in the dorm,
and a cricket jumped out of no where and landed quite close to my feet.
I squealed, jumped up, and ran across the room.
And it followed me.
Joy.
It took me a while to realize that it wasn't going to eat me or something,
and I finally sat down again.
But I couldn't relax, because it was still in the room watching me.

Example 3: (Non-cricket story)
Summer 2011 I was working on Hilton Head Beach with all the lifeguards, right?
Well, who knew, of all places, I would encounter the biggest bumble bee I have ever seen in my life.
I'm not even kidding.
It was about the size of a half-dollar coin.
Anyway, this thing decided to follow me.
It would circle me over and over,
almost landing on me before I would swat it away with my bag.
We decided to outrun the thing,
and we did!
But only for about a minute.
It found me again.
It was not fun.

Anyway,
all this shows that I do not have a fantastic history with bugs.


Long story short, there is a gnat-type bug that is buzzing around my computer screen right now.
And it's really bugging me.
And it reminded me of all my past experience with bugs.
That's all.

On a brighter note,
God is working.
Powerfully.
And I'm excited to share about it.
But not right now, because it's late,
and I should actually get some sleep tonight.

Blessings!