Who knew?

Who knew that this would happen?
Who knew my dad would
be diagnosed with cancer
the week after Thanksgiving?
God did.
Honestly, I think that's the only
thing that is getting me through this.
The knowledge of the truth.
I'm resting in the fact
that the Lord is God.
He is Maker.
This did not catch Him off guard at all.
He knew that
my dad would go into the hospital on Sunday
and would be told Wednesday that he has cancer.
He knew.
And that comforts me.

Last night after I found out the news,
I came back to the apartment
and cried for a while.
And then I went with Rachel
to Growth Group,
because I knew that I needed to
be around friends;
I needed to be around people
who would lift me up to
our Father,
because at that moment,
I was too weak to go myself.
And that's exactly what
they did.
They lifted me and my family
up before the Father,
and they showered me with love.
The Body of Christ served me well
last night.
And I'm so thankful for all
of the brothers and sisters
the Lord has blessed me with.

I'm learning to take this
 moment by moment.
I'm learning
that it's okay
to cry and let it out.
And the Lord is teaching
me how to acknowledge
my trust in Him,
even as all this is going on.

It's amazing how powerful
the Word of the Lord is.
Even as tears flow down my face,
His Word reminds me
of His faithfulness,
His goodness,
His holiness,
His righteousness--
all of the things that I praise Him for.
And it's praising Him that
my heart is incited to do.
It's one of the weirdest feelings:
to be grieving over this news,
yet praising the Lord for who He is
and thanking Him for what He is doing.
Yes, it hurts thinking
about this cancer that is living in my dad.
It's scary thinking
that this could claim His life.
But my God is greater than that.
He has power over the grave.
He is good. He is Healer.
He is loving and kind.
And He would not allow
this in my dad's life, in my life,
in my family's life,
if it did not serve His purpose.
So,
I believe that this has a greater
purpose
than any of us could
have ever imagined.
I believe that whether my dad
is healed from this cancer,
or if he dies from this cancer,
he will bring glory to the Most High.

The Lord have His way in my life
and in my dad's life.
May He be greatly glorified.
May His Gospel be advanced because of this.
May my heart yearn to be closer to Him.
May my family seek after the Lord and His presence
during this time.
He is good.
He is in control.
I trust Him.

Blessings.

Psalm 61:1-4
"Hear my cry, O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a refuge for me,
A tower of strength against the enemy.
Let me dwell in Your tent forever;
Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings."

Thankfulness can Outweigh Sadness

It truly can.
Although I am sad
that I had to say
goodbye to my family,
especially my parents and my sister,
I am overwhelmed with
thankfulness for the time
the Lord gave me with them
this past week.
I'm not going to lie,
I'm really struggling right now.
I'm sad because
I don't know the next time I'll see them.
This Christmas
will be the first one that I'll be away
from them.
And I don't even know if
I'll be around others...
I may just be alone
this Christmas.
And it's just going to be hard.
So, even though
I'm sad,
and I don't really even know
what this season is going to look like,
I trust in the One who does know.
Christ has been faithful.
Oh so faithful.

I mean,
this past week
is a testimony to
His faithfulness and His goodness
to me.
He gave me five
amazing
days with my family.
We did so much....



Thanksgiving Bucket List 2012
- eat at Saltgrass Steak House   completed
- eat some Rudy's BBQ!  (Okay, no Texas bbq for this girl. Boo. Shall I try my hand at it sometime? Possibly. Although, I'm not too handy with the grill....)
- visit Ron and Fran   completed
- play bocci with my sister   (I'm really sad that I didn't get to do this! I was really looking forward to some sister time. Seriously. I was. We just ran out of time, and out of daylight. So. When she comes to see me, or when I go home next, I will have to have a bocci date with her. But I am thankful for the times that we got to sit and talk---whether late at night as we were falling asleep, or whispering in the backseat of the car, it was sweet.)
- do crafty things with my sweet mom   completed
- go to the Cowboys game with my dad   completed
- watch a movie & eat some popcorn with the fam   completed
- go to the zoo!!  (We decided as a family to opt out of going to the zoo. We heard it would be crazy!  So, instead, my mom and I crafted. And. We just had a relaxing morning. It was wonderful.)
- Turkey Trot 5k walk   completed
- shopping at the Outlets  (We didn't quite make it to the Outlets. But we did go shopping. I got some Christmas shopping done for my cousin, and my parents got some shopping done for a ministry at their church.)
- family game night   completed
- cuddle with my mom   completed
- hang out in the hot tub   (Sadly, we just didn't have time to jump in the hot tub.)
- long talks with different family members    completed
- hug people. a lot.   completed
- take lots of family pics   completed
- buy HEB fruit jelly   completed
- have a slumber party with my 13-year-old cousin and invest in her   completed
- love my family. well.   completed



And I am so thankful
for all the time I got with them.
Like I've said,
I don't know how much time
I have left.
Every breath is a blessing
sent from His loving hand.
He was so gracious and loving
in giving me time with them.


So, instead of living in sadness,
I'll be choosing thankfulness.
It'll be hard.
But I know--
I know--
He is Lord.
He is worthy of my time,
of my worship.
And even though I can't
see my path more than
one step at a time,
I can trust the Maker of the path.


Ephesians 3:20-21
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Blessings.

So. Very. Thankful.

As I'm counting
the hours until I get to see
my family,
I'm realizing just how thankful
I am for this opportunity
to see my parents, sister,
grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, and friends again.

You see,
a couple of weeks ago,
I was really convicted that
I wasn't living in the here and now.
I was all too dependent on
what I thought was the promised future.
I thought I had everything figured out.
And I just had all these ideas of what
my life was going to look like in ten years.
It's not that God has taken away that hope.
I still hope to one day
get married,
have children,
travel a little,
serve the Lord well in a local Body.
But He's given me an urgency to live
in the here and now.
I should be striving for the future.
But I can't stop living for today.
I'm not promised my next breath.
I don't know when the Lord
will call me home, or when
He will return for His Church.
But He has given me this day
to serve Him faithfully.

In this whole realization,
I knew I had taken for granted
all the time that I had spend with my family.
I had never really cherished it.
I mean, it was just time with them.
I was always going to get to see them again.
I was always going to spend time with them again.
So why did it matter if I really invested in their lives
when I saw them?
But it does!
It does matter so much!
I have this opportunity to love my family,
to care for them,
and invest in their lives for the sake of the Gospel,
for the sake of the Body.
I have this opportunity to encourage them
to pursue Christ and godliness.

So,
this season of Thanksgiving,
encourage the Body I shall.
I pray that I might have opportunities
for Gospel conversations,
for times of encouragement,
for times of fun, laughter, and just good talks.
May God be greatly glorified in the time
I have with my family.

I'm not taking this upcoming week for granted
this time.
I'm going to treasure it,
cherish it.
Because, honestly,
I don't know the next time
I'll get to see them.
As hard as it is for me to
wrap my mind around that fact,
I know that the Lord has great plans.
I may not know the next time I'll see them.
But I know who does.
And He is faithful.

Well,
while I'm in Texas,
there are some things
that I'll be doing.
Ready for the Bucket List?

Thanksgiving Bucket List 2012
- eat at Saltgrass Steak House
- eat some Rudy's BBQ!
- visit Ron and Fran
- play bocci with my sister
- do crafty things with my sweet mom
- go to the Cowboys game with my dad
- watch a movie & eat some popcorn with the fam
- go to the zoo!!
- Turkey Trot 5k walk
- shopping at the Outlets
- family game night
- cuddle with my mom
- hang out in the hot tub
- long talks with different family members
- hug people. a lot.
- take lots of family pics
- buy HEB fruit jelly
- have a slumber party with my 13-year-old cousin and invest in her
- love my family. well.


I've been waiting for this week
since August.
I can't believe that it's finally time
to leave.
I only have 30 hours til I see
some of my favorite people's faces.

The Lord is gracious.
I am so thankful
that He is allowing me to go see them.
So thankful.

Blessings

Happy 100!

I know.
Two blogs back to back.
I'm getting a little
writing happy.
But really.
I just have so much to say.
Not really.
Ha.

I was just thinking today
of how different things
are than I ever expected them to be.

Let's take a journey back
to 12-year-old Bekah's mind.
Ready?
I was going to graduate from
high school as Valedictorian.
And then I was going to go to
Yale or Harvard
on a full-ride scholarship.
After I graduated from college,
I was going to travel around the world
working with different
organizations to tell people about Christ
and help them in their current situations.
After a few years of doing this,
I was going to come back to the States,
and, somehow I was going to get married.
(I don't exactly know to whom,
since I would have been gone for so long.)
And then we would have 12 children
(some of our own, but
most of them would be adopted.)
And we would live happily ever after.

Now, let's jump ahead to
16-year-old Bekah's mind.
Here we go...
I would graduate from high school,
and go to Oklahoma Baptist University.
I was dating this boy at that time,
so we would date
throughout our stay at OBU.
And after I graduated with my degree
in missions,
we would get married
and go do mission work somewhere.
We were going to have
kids and raise them wherever
God was having us serve.

And this is 18-year-old Bekah:
Now that I've graduated high school,
and decided that OBU
wasn't where God wanted me,
I would take a year off school.
And then I would go to
Culinary School to get a degree.
Then, upon graduation,
I would get a job at a prestigious bakery
to get some really good experience.
After a while, I would
then open my own bakery.
(The ultimate plan was to
open a bakery next to my
dad's BBQ joint.
His dream has always been to
have his own BBQ restaurant,
and so I thought it would be fun
to work alongside my parents
and have my goodies and breads
be served in their restaurant.)
Anyway, that was the plan.


It's really amazing to see how plans change.
Over the years,
I've learned that
any plans I may try to make
have to be flexible.
It's so crazy to think that
all those plans I had in my head
back then
weren't actually what
the Lord had in store for me.
He had and has something
so much greater.
He's taken me on this adventure
where I've learned so much
and He's been changing my heart.

If I had stuck to one of my plans,
then
I never would have gone to American Samoa
I never would have moved to Raleigh
I never would have joined IDC.
None of those things were ever on my radar.

Praise the Lord that He has greater plans.
Praise Him that He is showing me how to be obedient to His plans.
Praise Him that He is showing me how to be patient and wait on Him in all things.
He is so good.

It's been a day of reflection.
Reflection of where I am now, where I've been brought from, and what could possibly be in the future.

But anyway.
This is post 100!
Happy day.

Annnnnd
this week I'll be roasting my first turkey.
We'll see how that goes.
I'm celebrating Thanksgiving
with my kids at Ravenscroft.
I'm pretty excited about it.
And so are the kids.

Oh, and we're just six days away
from Texas!
It's practically just around the corner!

Blessings.

Nerves

So, 

my nerves tend to get the best of me. 

And by tend,

I usually mean always.

Ha. 

I try so very hard not to get nervous

about things. 

But it's just the way things work in my head. 

My heart starts to race.

My hands get ice cold. 

I feel a little light headed. 

And I get really shaky. 

You know, all the fun stuff. 

And you would think I'd be used to it by now. 

But I'm not. 

I get nervous about silly little things, 

like talking in front of people, 

or even talking to people I don't know. 

But I also get nervous about big things, 

like singing in front of people,

and driving across the country by myself. 

Today

I'm nervous. 

In just a short while

I'll be heading to the church building

for an audition of sorts 

for the worship team. 

I have to sing in front of a select number of people. 

And I'm just slightly nervous about it.

Who am I kidding. 

I'm starting to freak out. 

I'm nervous that my voice will suddenly

die. 

I'm nervous that I won't remember 

the words to the songs. 

(Even though I have them all printed out.)

I'm just nervous.

You would think that I wouldn't be 

nervous, 

especially after spending an 

entire summer serving 

on the performance team

singing and dancing for people.

But, this is just one of those things that I 

always

get nervous for. 

Welcome to my life. 

ha. 

Oh. 

I only have to wait

7 more days

till I get to see my 

family!!!!!

I can't even believe

that it's already time

to head to Texas!

Blessings.

Two Years and Counting

Last night I had dinner with Rach
and one of the other single ladies from 
my Growth Group. 
It was good to get to know her better
and spend some qt with her
outside of a Tuesday night.
We shared our stories. 
And I was reminded of 
God's grace that has completely overwhelmed
my life and my heart. 

Perhaps this explains my 
overwhelming desire to cry 
my eyes out tonight. 
But God is so great. 
So much greater than my puny
heart and mind could ever give Him
credit for. 
His love
has wiped out my sin and 
my transgressions. 
And I am still just learning
how much I need the Gospel. 

It has been a little over two years
since I desired to take my life. 
Two years of learning. 
Two years of my Savior 
teaching me what it is to follow Him, 
love Him, 
and love others. 
It's amazing how
the Lord can work in such great ways.

Almost two years ago, I wrote this:

"A long time ago, there was a little girl. She was young, and she knew of a Love bigger than she could ever imagine. She wanted to know more about this Love before accepting it, so she read and asked lots of questions. Finally, she discovered that Love was what she wanted. She wanted it more than anything she ever had before.

Little did she know that Love would one day take her on an amazing journey.

A few years down the road, Love asked her to follow Him wherever He lead. No matter what the cost. No matter how much it hurt. No matter what joy, happiness, sadness, gloom the choice made. He wanted her to make the commitment to follow Him.

And she did.

She said she would follow Him down any path. As long as He stayed by her side.

He promised He would never leave her.

A couple years after that, the girl went though some rough times. She had a hard time seeing what Love was doing. Why was all this happening to her? She just didn't understand. She felt used and abused, and no one could help. But most of all, she felt all alone.

That summer, Love's guiding hand led her away from the chaotic mess of home. He took her to a beautiful country and showed her how He could transform lives in a short period of time. He also showed her that He was still with her. He reminded her of His love and how He wanted to see her life transformed in Him.

She came home at the end of the summer feeling refreshed and renewed. She knew she could trust Love and that she could forgive and move on with her life. She had a purpose again, and she wanted to share Love with everyone around her.

And she began doing just that. She found joy in the simplest of things. From going to a movie with a friend to sharing the Christmas story with kids, she knew Love would use anything she did for His glory.

But there were thoughts running through her mind. Thoughts she didn't want to share with anyone because she was afraid they would look at her like she was crazy. She always felt as if no one really cared about her. Like she could just disappear, and no one would ever notice. She always forced these horrible feelings down, but they never went away. She just learned how to live with them.

A couple of years passed, and the girl was headed up to her favorite place in the world. A place where Love always spoke to her and guided her down His path. She would go on walks with Him to an opening where she could sit and talk to Him for hours without ever getting tired.

The girl thought this summer was going to be the best summer of her life, where she would have fun with her best friends and discover what exactly her next steps would be.

Love had another plan though. He was going to make her face what she had buried deep inside: all her horrible feelings. He was going to show her freedom.

The two months in her favorite place were some of the hardest months of her life. She faced sadness, torment, and at some points, she just wanted to end it all. But her friends were there to lift her up and help her through. Without them, she would not have continued on Love's journey for her.

At the end of the summer, she thought the worst was over. She thought she was going to be okay, and that Love was going to show her the purpose for all the suffering and hurt she went through.

But instead Love was silent.

She didn't understand. Had she done something wrong? Did she stray from Him? Where was He? She was alone...

The spiral downward started slowly, and then it rapidly progressed. She felt herself falling farther and farther, deeper and deeper into a dark pit. She didn't see anything but darkness. Her once joyful life had turned to depression. She didn't see any way out.

No one noticed. No one cared. She thought the best thing to do was disappear.

She began going through her things, figuring out what she would want to leave behind, and what she could go ahead and get rid of. It was harder than she thought it was going to be. She starting writing notes to everyone she wanted to say goodbye to...everyone who meant a lot to her and had made a difference in her life.

It was then Love intervened.

He brought several people into her life who reminded her of how much she was loved. They helped her see that she didn't need to be perfect for others to like her or love her, but that she just needed to be herself.

She started seeing the light at that moment. She could feel Love's guiding hand lifting her out of the dark pit that she had begun to think was her new home.

Love transformed her. She started seeing herself as beautiful and valued. Something she had never really thought of herself as before.

She continued on with her life, almost afraid to accept the change that Love had made in her life, fearing that she would fall again.

Eventually, Love convinced her that He was with her. She needed not fear anything, for He was right by her side.

A couple days later, something happened. She had a horrible day, and nothing was going right. She could feel herself start decending into the pit, but Someone grabbed her arm.

Love was there. Just as He promised.

He lifted her up and filled her mind with other promises that He had made to her. Promises fulfilled and promises yet to come. He also filled her mind with songs. Songs she could carry with her about His love and all that He would do in her life.

The girl was overwhelmed. She still could not comprehend a love this magnificent. She still wanted to follow Him down whatever path He may choose. Even with what she had gone through, she knew that she could make it through anything with Him by her side. Her love for Him had grown deeper than it had ever been in the past, and she knew without a doubt that by His side was where she wanted to be. Both now and forevermore.

Love is still guiding her. The girl doesn't know where He will take her in the future, but she does know that she is safe in His arms. He will take her on an amazing journey everyday of her life. And she can't wait to see where tomorrow will lead."

That last paragraph? 

It's still true. 

It's still my life. 

I had no idea that the Lord

 would uproot me from NM

and bring me all the way to NC. 

No. Idea.

But He did. 

He moved me to keep me dependent

and to keep teaching me. 

And He shall continue to work and move. 

I know that He still has so much to teach me. 

And with His help, 

I will keep learning. 

I don't know what God has in 

store for this next season of my life.

Sometimes I wish that I did. 

Honestly, I wish I knew what was 

coming up a lot. 

But that's for God to know, 

and me to find out. 

I know I can trust Him.

And that's what's so wonderful. 

Blessings.