The Love of God

Last Sunday, Jan. 20th, I was allowed to help lead worship at IDC, and one of the songs we ended up singing was "The Love of God." It's a hymn, and we did the arrangement by Ascend the Hill. This song has been echoing through my mind all week, and even now. I just can't seem to get the words out of my mind. They capture and display the magnitude of Christ's love and worthiness of worship. Take a listen. It's worth it.

http://youtu.be/9FtEa_gomWY

But anyway, this past week has been one of fasting a praying. IDC called the covenant members to a week seeking and petitioning the Lord on behalf of the Body. We were getting ready to renew our covenant to one another and to the Church. And so, I sought after the Lord.

What a sweet week it was. 

I'm not saying it was easy every minute, but the Lord was faithful. This week He reminded me of how great and good He is. He showed me His unending, unfailing love and grace. He showed me great grace in allowing me to have uninterrupted time with Him. He calmed my soul, granted peace beyond my understanding, and showed me how to trust Him more. 

So when it came time to go to worship this morning, my soul was filled with great joy. The Word spoken to my heart this morning was beautiful, and the joining with the saints to worship our Savior was a blessed time. All the covenant members renewed our commitment to the covenant, IDC, and each other. 

Precious. Just precious. 

My Sweet Savior is so good. And His love is so much greater than I could ever explain. 

I read back through Hebrews this past week. I wanted and needed to return to a book that has shaped me in so many different ways. As I was reading, I was struck anew with Christ's great sacrifice. 

Hebrews 5:9-10 says, "And having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation, being designated by God as a high priest according to the order of Melchizedek."

Christ was made perfect to become my salvation. 

His provision is perfect.

His grace is great. 

His love is everlasting. 

The Gospel is a beautiful thing. 

One of my hopes as I keep seeking after Christ is that I never stop hoping and longing for His Word. Because His Word gives live. His Word guides me. His Word points me to Christ. His Word incites my heart to worship. 

Psalm 119:1-24

"How blessed are those whose why is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord. How blessed are those who observe His testimonies, who seek Him with all their heart. They also do no unrighteousness; they walk in His ways. You have ordained Your precepts, that we should keep them diligently. Oh that my ways may be established to keep Your statutes! Then I shall not be ashamed when I look upon all Your commandments. I shall give thanks to You with uprightness of heart, when I learn Your righteous judgments. I shall keep Your statutes; do not forsake me utterly!

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. With all my heart I have sought You; do not let me wander from Your commandments. Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You. Blessed are You, O Lord; teach me Your statutes. With my lips I have told of all the ordinances of Your mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies, as much as in all riches. I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways. I shall delight in Your statues; I shall not forget Your word.

Deal bountifully with Your servant, that I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may behold wonderful things from Your law. I am a stranger in the earth; do not hide Your commandments from me. My soul is crushed with longing after Your ordinances at all times. You rebuke the arrogant, the cursed, who wander from Your commandments. Take away reproach and contempt from me, for I observe Your testimonies. Even though princes sit and talk against me, Your servant meditates on Your statutes. Your testimonies also are my delight; they are my counselors."

Blessings. 

Walking and Talking

I took advantage of this most
beautiful day
and went on a long walk.
I wanted to be outside.
And I think I needed some time
to just be with the Lord.
So we walked and talked.

As I was talking to Him,
I started rethinking a lot.
And freaking out a lot about some things.
But in the end,
the songs from worship this morning
continued to calm my mind.
The Lord is faithful forever,
He is perfect in love.
And He is truly sovereign.

So,
I'm sure you're wondering what
I was thinking about.
You're about to get the inside scoop.

First of all,
I need to preface one of these things:
this has been one of my deepest desires
since I was a child.
And for a long time I was sorta
ashamed that it was all I wanted
out of life
besides living a life glorifying to the Lord.
But it is nothing shameful.
It really isn't.
This is the only desire that I've
ever had persistently.
And it is one that God has not granted yet.
So.
I was walking and talking to the Lord.
And yet again,
I had to lay my overwhelming desire
to be a wife and a mom.
Every day I have to choose whether to
lay it down at the Lord's feet
and choose to worship Him.
It would be so easy for me
be bitter that the one great desire I have
has not been given to me yet.
It would be easy for me to say
that this is evidence that the Lord
is not good.
But, the truth is:
He is good.
He is so much better than anything I could ever want.
Including a husband and children.
Every day I have to confess
my desire to the Lord, 
that I love Him,
and that He is who I want.
I know that if I am never blessed
with a husband or children,
then the Lord saw fit
that I my life would bring Him
the most glory without them.
And I would be okay with that.
Because I know who I serve.
He is good.
He is sovereign.
Knowing that I may never be blessed
with a husband and children
does not stop me from praying for them constantly.
I pray that the Lord
would save my children,
that He would grant us the grace
to raise them into God-fearers,
and that they would desire
to live lives glorifying the Most High.
I pray that my husband would be
willing to lay down his life for the Lord,
that He would be so consumed with love
for Christ and the Gospel and the Church
that he would go to great lengths to
share the truth of what He believes with others.
Yes, I may never have these prayers
answered.
But maybe I will.
I really don't know.
But today has been one of those days
where this desire is very great in my heart.
So, it's been just one of those days of
laying it at the foot of the cross.

The other thing I was thinking
and praying about out on my walk:
I want to move home.
As in back to NM.
I've been praying a lot about it.
And I've asked several people to pray with me.
But I think it's what I want to do.
I want to be home
with my parents and family during
this hard time in our lives.
It's so hard to be supportive
being so far away.
So hard.
And, like I've said before,
I'm just not hopeful
that the chemo treatments will work.
And I'm still not hopeful that
my dad will be healed.
(I still feel so mean when I say
those things.
Because I still want to be
supportive,
but I don't feel like
I sound very supportive.)
And it scares me that
this could be the last year of my dad's life.
And I'm here,
so far away.
I'm scared about moving back.
But I'm also scared about not moving back.
I don't think either decision
would be a bad one.
It's just where do I want to be,
and where do I feel the Lord leading
me more.
I feel at peace more with leaving
and going home,
but I know it would be such a hard
transition.
I mean,
I've been living in NC
for a year and a half now.
And I've gotten used to it.
And I've fallen in love with the area
and the people.
And I love my Church.
That is the hardest part about leaving:
I would have to leave IDC.
I would have to say goodbye to
so many people who have been
instrumental to my growth over the
past year and a half.
And I would have to start from scratch
in another Body back in NM.
It scares me.
I'm not a huge fan of changes.
But I know the Lord would be faithful
in providing for me.
Who knows,
maybe the Lord will send a church planting team
from Southeastern or IDC to NM,
and I could one day be a part of that.

I'm not saying that I would forever be moving back to NM.
I mean,
there's always the possibilty
that the Lord wants to keep me there.
But there's no telling where He will send me.
I may move back for a few months and
then return to NC.
I may stay for a year and then go somewhere else.
I may not move back.
I'm looking at summer time being the
best time frame for the move...
and a lot can happen between now and then.

Like, I've made big plans before.
And they've been disrupted
by bigger plans that were already in motion.
God has this crazy way of interrupting plans that I make.
So I can plan to move back.
But if He has something else in store,
then He will make it happen.
So.

I've told my parents about wanting to move back.
And just like I thought he would,
my dad said that I didn't need to move back.
Jokingly, he said that I still haven't found my husband.......
(this would be where I reminded him that
I'm not guaranteed a husband.
And who's to say that the Lord couldn't make a way
for him to be in NM. So, that reasoning
was quickly cast aside.)
But both he and my mom
were very surprised that
I was even considering moving,
let alone that I was wanting to move.
And it came down to me telling them
that I desire to take care of them
and support them in their time of need.
They are my parents after all.

This would be a totally different
situation if I were married
or if I had a more permanent job,
etc.
But the fact is:
I'm single.
I'm still at a point where I am able
to move and be more flexible with things.

Anyway.
Conclusion to my thinking and praying this afternoon
about this subject?
I want to move back.
So I'm going to plan on that.
But I will be open to His plan.
And I will be submissive to His will for my life.


I just feel so overwhelmed
with what is happening in my life right now
and the thoughts that run through my mind.
I'm so thankful
that I have a Rock of refuge
to which I can run.
I'm thankful that I can hide
myself in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I'm so glad that He knows the
way
and is leading me by the hand.
He grants me comfort.
He gives me rest from this burden.
He makes me glad.

Blessings.

Sometimes, I just don't know.

I've been joking around with Rach
the past few days about
how the most common phrase
in my speech is
"I don't know."

But in all seriousness.
It truly is what I say.

A lot has changed over the last year.
And a lot has yet to change.

People ask me questions about things
that I just don't have the answer to,
and I have to admit that I just don't know.

Repeating over and over
that I don't know
has been a much more humbling experience
than I ever thought it would be.
Three little words
are constant reminders
that my knowledge only goes so far.
I don't know what the future holds.
I don't know what I should do with my life.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's humbling.
Because in all of this uncertainty,
I am forced to my knees in prayer,
and I am utterly dependent
upon the One who does know.

The Lord knows all things.
He knows when I sit and when I rise,
but He also knows my future.
And He leads me by the hand
down a path that He's already forged for me.
I do know that this path leads directly to Him.
How comforting.
I don't know so much.
But I do know enough to
bring me joy and comfort and peace.
You see, I know God.
I know His character.
I know He is faithful.
I know He lavishes grace on me daily.
I know His love is greater than all.
I know that Christ's righteousness covers me.
I know that Christ intercedes for me daily before God.
I know that the Spirit testifies on my behalf that I am a child of God.

And all of this knowledge
is what comforts me.
It gives me confidence to
step out into the unknown.

2013 is already proving to be
a more difficult year.
But I feel like it might be a very blessed
year as well.
A lot of changes are coming up.
But through it all,
I trust in the One who never changes.
And I can rest in the peace He gives me.

Blessings.


P.S.
I killed a giant cockroach at work the other day.
It was disgusting.
And it was a terrible experience.
I mean,
I didn't have Rach there to kill it for me
or pick up it's dead body...
so I had to do it.
Eeek.
Basically,
this is how it went down:

I was moving our ice cooler
so I could go fill it,
and underneath, there was a practically dead roach.
I freaked out and jumped away from it.
And I hoped that as I went to fill the ice chest,
it would scurry away, and then I wouldn't have to pick it up.
Wrong-o.
I came back...and it was still there.
Bleh.
So I went to get the cleaning supplies
for the bathroom.
I had the windex bottle,
and I decided to use that to smash the bug to pieces
so that I didn't have to step on it
and have the possibility that it would crawl up my leg.
(That is perhaps my greatest fear of bugs...
that they would "wake up" from being dead and decide to attack.
By crawling up my leg/arm.)
Anyway.
I smushed it with the windex bottle,
and when I did, there was this huge
pop
signaling that its guts has spewed
out of its body.
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Ew.
And then I prepared myself to pick up the dead roach.
I had to give myself a pep talk to do it.
I got about three times the amount of toilet paper
that I actually needed to clean up the bug.
But I didn't want to actually touch it.
And I picked it up and threw it away.
It was so gross!
I'm thankful I live with someone who does this...
because I can't do it. haha.