Life as I Know It

So.
I know that it's been forever.
Forever.
Life is just crazy.
And sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Or at least sometimes I don't feel like processing through writing.
I've been spending a lot of time in prayer.
Mostly crying my eyes out.
Life is hard. So hard.
Nothing is turning out how I ever thought it would.
My dad died. Almost three months ago now.
I just celebrated my first birthday without him.
It was weird. Really weird.
I know that I haven't been with him for my last two birthdays.
But I still got to look forward to phone calls and texts from him.
Not this year.

My life isn't as blurry as it was right after his death.
But it still is so blurry.
I don't understand what is going on half the time.
I have to fight to not just drift.
I have to fight to stay in communication with God, because it would be so easy to let my relationship with him fall by the wayside because my heart hurts so badly.
I'm struggling through my grief. I'm struggling through pain--deep, heart-wrenching pain.
I'm fighting for joy, for love.
I'm fighting to see the Lord's hand in all this.
And y'all, it's hard.

God is so good in all this, though.
He is faithful. He is true.
He is steadfast.
He is my firm anchor to which I cling.
My hope is placed in Him.

So even though life is blurry right now,
I have hope that maybe tomorrow won't be as blurry,
that maybe a week from now He'll bring some clarity,
that maybe a month from now I'll have a greater joy in Him.

May He continue to be exalted by my life.
He is good.