Walking and Talking

I took advantage of this most
beautiful day
and went on a long walk.
I wanted to be outside.
And I think I needed some time
to just be with the Lord.
So we walked and talked.

As I was talking to Him,
I started rethinking a lot.
And freaking out a lot about some things.
But in the end,
the songs from worship this morning
continued to calm my mind.
The Lord is faithful forever,
He is perfect in love.
And He is truly sovereign.

So,
I'm sure you're wondering what
I was thinking about.
You're about to get the inside scoop.

First of all,
I need to preface one of these things:
this has been one of my deepest desires
since I was a child.
And for a long time I was sorta
ashamed that it was all I wanted
out of life
besides living a life glorifying to the Lord.
But it is nothing shameful.
It really isn't.
This is the only desire that I've
ever had persistently.
And it is one that God has not granted yet.
So.
I was walking and talking to the Lord.
And yet again,
I had to lay my overwhelming desire
to be a wife and a mom.
Every day I have to choose whether to
lay it down at the Lord's feet
and choose to worship Him.
It would be so easy for me
be bitter that the one great desire I have
has not been given to me yet.
It would be easy for me to say
that this is evidence that the Lord
is not good.
But, the truth is:
He is good.
He is so much better than anything I could ever want.
Including a husband and children.
Every day I have to confess
my desire to the Lord, 
that I love Him,
and that He is who I want.
I know that if I am never blessed
with a husband or children,
then the Lord saw fit
that I my life would bring Him
the most glory without them.
And I would be okay with that.
Because I know who I serve.
He is good.
He is sovereign.
Knowing that I may never be blessed
with a husband and children
does not stop me from praying for them constantly.
I pray that the Lord
would save my children,
that He would grant us the grace
to raise them into God-fearers,
and that they would desire
to live lives glorifying the Most High.
I pray that my husband would be
willing to lay down his life for the Lord,
that He would be so consumed with love
for Christ and the Gospel and the Church
that he would go to great lengths to
share the truth of what He believes with others.
Yes, I may never have these prayers
answered.
But maybe I will.
I really don't know.
But today has been one of those days
where this desire is very great in my heart.
So, it's been just one of those days of
laying it at the foot of the cross.

The other thing I was thinking
and praying about out on my walk:
I want to move home.
As in back to NM.
I've been praying a lot about it.
And I've asked several people to pray with me.
But I think it's what I want to do.
I want to be home
with my parents and family during
this hard time in our lives.
It's so hard to be supportive
being so far away.
So hard.
And, like I've said before,
I'm just not hopeful
that the chemo treatments will work.
And I'm still not hopeful that
my dad will be healed.
(I still feel so mean when I say
those things.
Because I still want to be
supportive,
but I don't feel like
I sound very supportive.)
And it scares me that
this could be the last year of my dad's life.
And I'm here,
so far away.
I'm scared about moving back.
But I'm also scared about not moving back.
I don't think either decision
would be a bad one.
It's just where do I want to be,
and where do I feel the Lord leading
me more.
I feel at peace more with leaving
and going home,
but I know it would be such a hard
transition.
I mean,
I've been living in NC
for a year and a half now.
And I've gotten used to it.
And I've fallen in love with the area
and the people.
And I love my Church.
That is the hardest part about leaving:
I would have to leave IDC.
I would have to say goodbye to
so many people who have been
instrumental to my growth over the
past year and a half.
And I would have to start from scratch
in another Body back in NM.
It scares me.
I'm not a huge fan of changes.
But I know the Lord would be faithful
in providing for me.
Who knows,
maybe the Lord will send a church planting team
from Southeastern or IDC to NM,
and I could one day be a part of that.

I'm not saying that I would forever be moving back to NM.
I mean,
there's always the possibilty
that the Lord wants to keep me there.
But there's no telling where He will send me.
I may move back for a few months and
then return to NC.
I may stay for a year and then go somewhere else.
I may not move back.
I'm looking at summer time being the
best time frame for the move...
and a lot can happen between now and then.

Like, I've made big plans before.
And they've been disrupted
by bigger plans that were already in motion.
God has this crazy way of interrupting plans that I make.
So I can plan to move back.
But if He has something else in store,
then He will make it happen.
So.

I've told my parents about wanting to move back.
And just like I thought he would,
my dad said that I didn't need to move back.
Jokingly, he said that I still haven't found my husband.......
(this would be where I reminded him that
I'm not guaranteed a husband.
And who's to say that the Lord couldn't make a way
for him to be in NM. So, that reasoning
was quickly cast aside.)
But both he and my mom
were very surprised that
I was even considering moving,
let alone that I was wanting to move.
And it came down to me telling them
that I desire to take care of them
and support them in their time of need.
They are my parents after all.

This would be a totally different
situation if I were married
or if I had a more permanent job,
etc.
But the fact is:
I'm single.
I'm still at a point where I am able
to move and be more flexible with things.

Anyway.
Conclusion to my thinking and praying this afternoon
about this subject?
I want to move back.
So I'm going to plan on that.
But I will be open to His plan.
And I will be submissive to His will for my life.


I just feel so overwhelmed
with what is happening in my life right now
and the thoughts that run through my mind.
I'm so thankful
that I have a Rock of refuge
to which I can run.
I'm thankful that I can hide
myself in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I'm so glad that He knows the
way
and is leading me by the hand.
He grants me comfort.
He gives me rest from this burden.
He makes me glad.

Blessings.