I don't really know how to describe how different life is now.
I know that he's only been gone for two days.
But in the matter of a couple of hours, it seems life has been turned completely upside down.
When I'm home for too long,
I start thinking that my dad is going to walk through the door.
I miss his laughter.
I miss his silly faces.
I miss his sarcasm.
I miss his hugs.
I just don't know how to keep going.
But I do know that the Lord has been faithful in helping me move and breathe.
He has been faithful to keep my heart focused on Him and trusting in His love and plan.
These past couple of days have been extremely hard, and I know it's just going to get harder.
The memorial service for my dad is on Friday at 11am at Sagebrush Riverside Campus.
Blessings.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Painting
I started painting my room today,
and I must say that it looks pretty awesome so far.
The color grey that I got is just wonderful.
I think it'll turn out to be a good refuge place.
Somewhere I can go to relax and grow.
But while I was painting some of the walls in my room,
I was realizing how painting always comes around seasons of change in my life.
It's not a spectacular realization or anything.
I was just thinking about all the times I've painted rooms that I've lived in--
and they always come around seasons of change and growth.
Always.
When I paint, God tends to send me some circumstances to trust Him through.
This isn't any different.
This season that the Lord has ushered into my life is one that I am going to have to lean hard on Him through.
And I mean hard.
All today I've been talking with the Lord.
We've been having some conversations.
I've been crying out to Him a lot--with questions that He'll probably never answer, except that He already has.
You see, I've been asking a lot of "Why?" questions lately.
And He keeps bringing me back to the Gospel.
Sin has caused so many problems in this world,
but the Cross has redeemed us to a right relationship with God.
And we can now have hope for the future when all things will be made right.
We will one day have justice.
We will one day have glorified bodies in the new heavens and new earth.
We will one day be with the Savior, in unhindered fullness of joy.
He reminds me that even though there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I can still trust in Him. I can still believe that He is good and faithful. In His Sovereignty, all things work for the good of those who love Him. Meaning that there is a reason for everything--and the Lord is able to bring glory to Himself through the things that happen in my life, whether I see them as good or bad things. Ultimately, my life purpose is not to be happy all the time, my life purpose is to bring great glory to the Creator of the universe, the Savior of my soul. And if I can bring Him glory through grieving over news that breaks my heart, then that's what I'll choose to do.
I don't know how to approach the subject of death.
It seems so abnormal.
It seems so wrong.
And that's the way it should be.
We were meant to live. We were meant to enjoy relationship with God.
But instead we chose to go our own way. We chose death.
And it's so hard because no one wants to face something that is inevitable at one point or another.
I don't want to face it.
But the reality of the shortness of life is becoming more and more real to me--and my family.
We truly are like the grass of the field, here today and gone tomorrow.
The psalmist said it right when he asked the Lord to teach him to number his days.
We don't have very much time here on this earth before it's over.
So how do we talk about death?
How should we approach this subject?
I still don't know.
A couple of years ago I could have answered this easily. I would have said that we should be joyful that the loved one (if he/she was a believer) was finally able to go be with the Lord.
But it's just not that simple.
Yes, it should be comforting to know that the loved one isn't in any more pain and is living in the light of the Savior. We will one day be reunited.
But that won't lessen the pain of the loss. Death is a separator. We were meant to have relationship, meaning, we were supposed to be with one another. So, yes. the death of a loved one will hurt.
Painting.
Yes, it reminds me of so many changes in the past.
And there are so many changes yet to come, I'm sure.
Blessings.
and I must say that it looks pretty awesome so far.
The color grey that I got is just wonderful.
I think it'll turn out to be a good refuge place.
Somewhere I can go to relax and grow.
But while I was painting some of the walls in my room,
I was realizing how painting always comes around seasons of change in my life.
It's not a spectacular realization or anything.
I was just thinking about all the times I've painted rooms that I've lived in--
and they always come around seasons of change and growth.
Always.
When I paint, God tends to send me some circumstances to trust Him through.
This isn't any different.
This season that the Lord has ushered into my life is one that I am going to have to lean hard on Him through.
And I mean hard.
All today I've been talking with the Lord.
We've been having some conversations.
I've been crying out to Him a lot--with questions that He'll probably never answer, except that He already has.
You see, I've been asking a lot of "Why?" questions lately.
And He keeps bringing me back to the Gospel.
Sin has caused so many problems in this world,
but the Cross has redeemed us to a right relationship with God.
And we can now have hope for the future when all things will be made right.
We will one day have justice.
We will one day have glorified bodies in the new heavens and new earth.
We will one day be with the Savior, in unhindered fullness of joy.
He reminds me that even though there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I can still trust in Him. I can still believe that He is good and faithful. In His Sovereignty, all things work for the good of those who love Him. Meaning that there is a reason for everything--and the Lord is able to bring glory to Himself through the things that happen in my life, whether I see them as good or bad things. Ultimately, my life purpose is not to be happy all the time, my life purpose is to bring great glory to the Creator of the universe, the Savior of my soul. And if I can bring Him glory through grieving over news that breaks my heart, then that's what I'll choose to do.
I don't know how to approach the subject of death.
It seems so abnormal.
It seems so wrong.
And that's the way it should be.
We were meant to live. We were meant to enjoy relationship with God.
But instead we chose to go our own way. We chose death.
And it's so hard because no one wants to face something that is inevitable at one point or another.
I don't want to face it.
But the reality of the shortness of life is becoming more and more real to me--and my family.
We truly are like the grass of the field, here today and gone tomorrow.
The psalmist said it right when he asked the Lord to teach him to number his days.
We don't have very much time here on this earth before it's over.
So how do we talk about death?
How should we approach this subject?
I still don't know.
A couple of years ago I could have answered this easily. I would have said that we should be joyful that the loved one (if he/she was a believer) was finally able to go be with the Lord.
But it's just not that simple.
Yes, it should be comforting to know that the loved one isn't in any more pain and is living in the light of the Savior. We will one day be reunited.
But that won't lessen the pain of the loss. Death is a separator. We were meant to have relationship, meaning, we were supposed to be with one another. So, yes. the death of a loved one will hurt.
Painting.
Yes, it reminds me of so many changes in the past.
And there are so many changes yet to come, I'm sure.
Blessings.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Adventures in Dog Walking.
Basically, I looked like a crazy person this morning when I tried to take my dogs on a walk.
Seriously.
Here's the story:
I really wanted to take a walk this morning. And it's been my goal for a little while now to start taking my dogs on a walk a few times a week. So, I thought that we should take a little walk.
So I put on their leashes, and we walked out the front door to begin our adventure in our neighborhood.
*Here's a little bit of background info before I continue.
My dogs may be big, but they are little babies. They are scared of everything in the outside world. I really should have socialized them better when they were puppies, but I didn't.*
So as we were walking down one of the streets a little while away from the house, two little white poodles started chasing us down.
Jake and Homer started freaking out.
And little did I know that I didn't put their choke chains on correctly.
Homer escaped first, then Jake followed suit.
Oh. My. Word.
Talk about chaos.
These two little poodles were freaking my dogs out.
Jake and Homer were dancing awfully close to a busy street.
So naturally,
I was yelling at J&H to sit and stay.
Did they listen?
No.
So I chased them down. And after a little bit of struggle, I got their choke chains on correctly.
And I shooed away the little poodles.
My gracious.
It was nuts.
So we continued our walk.
And Jake decided to be Houdini and escape from his choke chain again.
I just don't know how that dog does it.
So I caught up with him again, and got it back on.
Thankfully, we were able to walk all the way back home without another incident.
I'm telling you, it was so crazy.
But, it was such a joy getting to go on a walk with them again.
Blessings.
Seriously.
Here's the story:
I really wanted to take a walk this morning. And it's been my goal for a little while now to start taking my dogs on a walk a few times a week. So, I thought that we should take a little walk.
So I put on their leashes, and we walked out the front door to begin our adventure in our neighborhood.
*Here's a little bit of background info before I continue.
My dogs may be big, but they are little babies. They are scared of everything in the outside world. I really should have socialized them better when they were puppies, but I didn't.*
So as we were walking down one of the streets a little while away from the house, two little white poodles started chasing us down.
Jake and Homer started freaking out.
And little did I know that I didn't put their choke chains on correctly.
Homer escaped first, then Jake followed suit.
Oh. My. Word.
Talk about chaos.
These two little poodles were freaking my dogs out.
Jake and Homer were dancing awfully close to a busy street.
So naturally,
I was yelling at J&H to sit and stay.
Did they listen?
No.
So I chased them down. And after a little bit of struggle, I got their choke chains on correctly.
And I shooed away the little poodles.
My gracious.
It was nuts.
So we continued our walk.
And Jake decided to be Houdini and escape from his choke chain again.
I just don't know how that dog does it.
So I caught up with him again, and got it back on.
Thankfully, we were able to walk all the way back home without another incident.
I'm telling you, it was so crazy.
But, it was such a joy getting to go on a walk with them again.
Blessings.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Blessed by Community
This morning was my last morning at IDC.
And it was so bittersweet.
As I glanced around the room while on stage,
I was just awed by the grace that God has shown me
for the last year and a half while I've been at IDC.
His grace was personified by so many people who have
loved me and pushed me to Christ through the gospel.
This morning I was reminded of when I first moved to Raleigh.
I was begging the Father to bring me into a community of believers--
to show me what it was really like to live selflessly
and to love the Body well.
And He was faithful in answering that request.
I also have asked many times that our hearts
would be knit together in love.
And there are quite a few ladies that I know
the Lord has woven pieces of my heart to theirs.
Which is why,
my heart is broken by the fact that I have to leave.
It truly is.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
This pain that I feel now is an evidence of the Lord's grace in my life.
I genuinely love this community.
And it's never easy to say goodbye to people you love.
But even in all this pain and sadness,
I still have fullness of joy in the Savior.
As I was doing some reading this afternoon,
I came across Psalm 40. Verses 16-17 resonated with my heart:
"Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let those who love Your salvation say continually, 'The Lord be magnified!' Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."
I can be glad and rejoice in Him.
I can continue to thank Him for the blessing this Body has been in my life--and I'm sure will continue to be as I keep in contact with people.
I can still praise Him for who He is and His faithfulness.
And I can trust Him for what will happen in the future.
I can trust that as I cry out to Him now to lead me to a community back in NM, that He will be faithful to do so.
I can trust Him.
What grace!
Anyway, this morning was a blessing.
And I'm looking forward to/dreading Tuesday night.
It'll be my last night with my Growth Group (small group).
Tears shall fall.
But I'm glad it'll be hard to say goodbye...because that means the Lord really did build us up in love.
Blessings.
And it was so bittersweet.
As I glanced around the room while on stage,
I was just awed by the grace that God has shown me
for the last year and a half while I've been at IDC.
His grace was personified by so many people who have
loved me and pushed me to Christ through the gospel.
This morning I was reminded of when I first moved to Raleigh.
I was begging the Father to bring me into a community of believers--
to show me what it was really like to live selflessly
and to love the Body well.
And He was faithful in answering that request.
I also have asked many times that our hearts
would be knit together in love.
And there are quite a few ladies that I know
the Lord has woven pieces of my heart to theirs.
Which is why,
my heart is broken by the fact that I have to leave.
It truly is.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
This pain that I feel now is an evidence of the Lord's grace in my life.
I genuinely love this community.
And it's never easy to say goodbye to people you love.
But even in all this pain and sadness,
I still have fullness of joy in the Savior.
As I was doing some reading this afternoon,
I came across Psalm 40. Verses 16-17 resonated with my heart:
"Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let those who love Your salvation say continually, 'The Lord be magnified!' Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."
I can be glad and rejoice in Him.
I can continue to thank Him for the blessing this Body has been in my life--and I'm sure will continue to be as I keep in contact with people.
I can still praise Him for who He is and His faithfulness.
And I can trust Him for what will happen in the future.
I can trust that as I cry out to Him now to lead me to a community back in NM, that He will be faithful to do so.
I can trust Him.
What grace!
Anyway, this morning was a blessing.
And I'm looking forward to/dreading Tuesday night.
It'll be my last night with my Growth Group (small group).
Tears shall fall.
But I'm glad it'll be hard to say goodbye...because that means the Lord really did build us up in love.
Blessings.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Anxiety
Y'all, I've been having a harder time here recently. The past week or so I've been having mini anxiety attacks. And I know I shouldn't be having them and that I shouldn't be anxious about anything, but try just keep coming. I just don't know what to do. My heart starts beating faster, and my chest hurts like it's about to explode. But beyond that nothing is wrong.
In those moments, I have to remind myself of the Gospel. I have to walk myself through the Lord's abundant grace that He's shown me over the years. I have to constantly preach to myself so that I can push through this anxiety attacks and remember that He is sovereign over all.
I know that I'm supposed to go home.
I know I am.
But that isn't making this whole moving process any easier.
This past Saturday I went to Kings Dominion with a bunch of my friends, people who I consider my family. And getting to spend the whole day with them just hanging out and having fun was what my heart needed, but it was also a huge reminder of what I'll be leaving behind. Saturday was a huge evidence of God's grace. They were encouraging and loving. And it was wonderful to spend the day with them.
You see, the very thing I begged God to give me while I was here--true biblical community--He's now taking away. I know that He will be faithful in providing community in NM as well. But I feel established with them. I feel like I can be myself and share my life with them. I've grown to love them all, and I deeply desire to see them grow deeper into Christ. I don't know of I could ever describe how hard it's going to be to say goodbye to them in a couple of weeks.
I am o so grateful to The Lord for the time He has given me with this group of believers. And I'm just so sad to see it come to an end.
My heart breaks every time I think of leaving.
But at the same time, I rejoice when I think that I only have two weeks left in NC.
Because that means that I get to go home. I get to see my parents and be there for them. I get to hang out with my sister and the rest of my family. And I get to see what The Lord has in store for me next. I think that could also be a contributing factor to my anxiety...I have no idea what to really expect in moving back home. I don't know where I'm doing to work. I don't really have a long term plan. I don't really know what in doing with my life...and that freaks me out a bit. But again, The Lord is faithful, and if He is taking me back home, then there is most definitely a reason for it.
So anyway, though I may be anxious about moving and everything, I am bringing those anxieties to the foot of the cross where I can lay them down before the One who is sovereign over them. I know I can trust Him. And I am so thankful that I can go before Him in prayer when I feel overwhelmed and anxious about this future that I am so uncertain about. He is good. He is faithful. He will carry me and guide me through
In those moments, I have to remind myself of the Gospel. I have to walk myself through the Lord's abundant grace that He's shown me over the years. I have to constantly preach to myself so that I can push through this anxiety attacks and remember that He is sovereign over all.
I know that I'm supposed to go home.
I know I am.
But that isn't making this whole moving process any easier.
This past Saturday I went to Kings Dominion with a bunch of my friends, people who I consider my family. And getting to spend the whole day with them just hanging out and having fun was what my heart needed, but it was also a huge reminder of what I'll be leaving behind. Saturday was a huge evidence of God's grace. They were encouraging and loving. And it was wonderful to spend the day with them.
You see, the very thing I begged God to give me while I was here--true biblical community--He's now taking away. I know that He will be faithful in providing community in NM as well. But I feel established with them. I feel like I can be myself and share my life with them. I've grown to love them all, and I deeply desire to see them grow deeper into Christ. I don't know of I could ever describe how hard it's going to be to say goodbye to them in a couple of weeks.
I am o so grateful to The Lord for the time He has given me with this group of believers. And I'm just so sad to see it come to an end.
My heart breaks every time I think of leaving.
But at the same time, I rejoice when I think that I only have two weeks left in NC.
Because that means that I get to go home. I get to see my parents and be there for them. I get to hang out with my sister and the rest of my family. And I get to see what The Lord has in store for me next. I think that could also be a contributing factor to my anxiety...I have no idea what to really expect in moving back home. I don't know where I'm doing to work. I don't really have a long term plan. I don't really know what in doing with my life...and that freaks me out a bit. But again, The Lord is faithful, and if He is taking me back home, then there is most definitely a reason for it.
So anyway, though I may be anxious about moving and everything, I am bringing those anxieties to the foot of the cross where I can lay them down before the One who is sovereign over them. I know I can trust Him. And I am so thankful that I can go before Him in prayer when I feel overwhelmed and anxious about this future that I am so uncertain about. He is good. He is faithful. He will carry me and guide me through
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tis the Last
Day of May, that is.
I can't believe that tomorrow will be the first day of June.
It's just so crazy.
So crazy.
This year is just flying by.
Rach left on Monday to go on vacation with her mom and sister.
And I know that she's having a blast.
But I miss her.
It's been so weird being alone in the mornings.
I'm not used to it anymore.
So, this is just another thing for me to
trust the Lord through.
Today at work, we're going on a field trip....
to Jubala!!
It's going to be the greatest field trip ever!!
I mean, going to get coffee and waffles with my kids?!
It's going to be awesome.
And it'll make for a great Friday!
Also, I'm going to Kings Dominion tomorrow!!
Holla!
We're gonna have a blast. :)
I'm so excited! I can't wait to ride some roller coasters.
Ah!
Anyway, it's going to be a few exciting days!
Blessings.
Monday, May 20, 2013
[Random]
I've become a really bad blogger this year.
I just can't keep up.
And I guess a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been
over the past month or so.
I've just been on the go.
But it's been so wonderful.
My sister came for a visit a couple of weeks ago.
And we had a blast.
We went up to DC.
(Let me tell you,
it was beautiful.
I wish we could have stayed longer to
explore more.
But I guess I'll just hope to go there
again one day.)
We also just hung out around
Raleigh
and did some random things.
But I think she enjoyed it,
and I know I loved having her here.
And this past weekend my friend
came up from the SC.
We went to see Star Trek into Darkness.
My. Word.
That. Movie.
I want to buy it.
I want to watch it over and over again.
It. Was. Wonderful.
Oh so wonderful.
No kidding.
You should see it,
even if you're not a Trekie...
you'd like this movie.
We also watched Grey's Anatomy's
season finale.
We were yelling at the screen together...
at the same parts.
Because we're cool like that.
And we were quoting Star Trek to one another
for the remainder of the weekend.
Ah.
So good.
We also went to the beach for a short little get away.
And we all got a little burned by the sun.
But mine has turned to a lovely tan.
yesssss.
It was wonderful to have her come.
Even if it was so short.
And it's good that I'm going to get to see her
in a month!
We'll get to continue our tradition of watching
at least one episode of
Harper's Island and Sherlock together.
Can't wait!!
I think another reason why I've turned into a terrible blogger this year,
is because I feel like I just repeat myself over and over.
I don't really have any new stories, or anything like that.
My heart is still broken.
And the Lord is still teaching me how to live with it and trust Him through it.
It's the same thing.
So I guess it's just easier for me to not write about it over and over.
But just to write about it maybe once a month.
So...
time is flying.
There's only 11 more days in May...
it's just cray cray.
I just don't understand how it's going by so fast.
But at the same time I'm thankful it's flying.
Because I am ready to be home.
Rach leaves in about a week.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
At all.
But I'll learn how to be, I guess.
The Lord is good.
He is faithful.
Even in this.
So, yeah.
I'm a little all over the place.
I'm starting to pack...sorta.
Mainly, I'm just starting to go through what I want to take with me,
and what I can leave behind/get rid of/give to Rach or others.
It's a rather big process.
But, I shall make it. Ha.
I kinda have to.
Blessings.
I just can't keep up.
And I guess a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been
over the past month or so.
I've just been on the go.
But it's been so wonderful.
My sister came for a visit a couple of weeks ago.
And we had a blast.
We went up to DC.
(Let me tell you,
it was beautiful.
I wish we could have stayed longer to
explore more.
But I guess I'll just hope to go there
again one day.)
We also just hung out around
Raleigh
and did some random things.
But I think she enjoyed it,
and I know I loved having her here.
And this past weekend my friend
came up from the SC.
We went to see Star Trek into Darkness.
My. Word.
That. Movie.
I want to buy it.
I want to watch it over and over again.
It. Was. Wonderful.
Oh so wonderful.
No kidding.
You should see it,
even if you're not a Trekie...
you'd like this movie.
We also watched Grey's Anatomy's
season finale.
We were yelling at the screen together...
at the same parts.
Because we're cool like that.
And we were quoting Star Trek to one another
for the remainder of the weekend.
Ah.
So good.
We also went to the beach for a short little get away.
And we all got a little burned by the sun.
But mine has turned to a lovely tan.
yesssss.
It was wonderful to have her come.
Even if it was so short.
And it's good that I'm going to get to see her
in a month!
We'll get to continue our tradition of watching
at least one episode of
Harper's Island and Sherlock together.
Can't wait!!
I think another reason why I've turned into a terrible blogger this year,
is because I feel like I just repeat myself over and over.
I don't really have any new stories, or anything like that.
My heart is still broken.
And the Lord is still teaching me how to live with it and trust Him through it.
It's the same thing.
So I guess it's just easier for me to not write about it over and over.
But just to write about it maybe once a month.
So...
time is flying.
There's only 11 more days in May...
it's just cray cray.
I just don't understand how it's going by so fast.
But at the same time I'm thankful it's flying.
Because I am ready to be home.
Rach leaves in about a week.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
At all.
But I'll learn how to be, I guess.
The Lord is good.
He is faithful.
Even in this.
So, yeah.
I'm a little all over the place.
I'm starting to pack...sorta.
Mainly, I'm just starting to go through what I want to take with me,
and what I can leave behind/get rid of/give to Rach or others.
It's a rather big process.
But, I shall make it. Ha.
I kinda have to.
Blessings.
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