New Beginnings...at least for Now

I have been using this blog for so long.
And I love it.
I plan on continuing to use it.
But I'll be taking a break from it for quite a while.

Since I have been accepted to The World Race, I have to keep a blog. And I'll be posting a lot of updates there.

I added an RSS feed at the top of this blog so that you can follow me on my journey.

Blessings.

Let's Go on This Adventure Together

So. 

I was notified today that I have been accepted to be a Racer in the World Race! 

I am so excited!! 

My route is scheduled to leave in September 2014. 

As I get further along, I will find out more details. But for right now, I know that I'll be going to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, South Africa, Swaziland, Botswana, Turkey, Albania,Nicaragua, Costa Rica, and Honduras. 

Sweet! 

So, I need all you blog readers to do something for me: I need you to start praying. Praying that The Lord would prepare me for the adventure I'm about to go on, that He would prepare the hearts of those I'll be ministering to, that He would unify my team and my squad to work together for His glory. 

I'll be starting an official World Race blog soon, so when I get that, I'll post the link here.

With the going also comes the cost. I'll be doing some raising of the funds starting shortly. I have quite a bit to raise, as well as buying some supplies and stuff like that. 

The Lord is so faithful!! I am so thankful that He's giving me this opportunity! I can't wait to see what He's going to do! 

Blessings.

The Going

Here's the deal: I've applied to go on a mission trip called The World Race 

Ever heard of it? 

I'm thinking that most of you haven't. So I'm going to share what it's all about. It is a trip that lasts 11 months and goes to 11 different countries. There are many different kinds of ministries to do in each country. And you're placed on a team of around 7 people. So you "run the race" an travel in a small community of people the entire time on the field. 

And here's why I've applied:

For a while, I've been wanting to travel, so at first I started looking into a month-long trip to Europe to go explore with some friends. I thought it would be so awesome to go and see things I've always wanted to see. And most of all, I thought that The Lord could use that time to work on my heart and maybe give me some clarity about my life and what He wants me to do. So as I prayed for wisdom about that trip, The Lord kept bringing me back to examine my motives. And the more I searched my heart, the more I saw that I was being selfish. I was going to be willing to spend thousands of dollars, for what? To pursue my own selfish desire. It had nothing to do with the Kingdom. It had nothing to do with His purposes. So as the door to Europe started to close, I started asking for wisdom to see what He was wanting for me. As I dialogued with God about this for weeks, my answer came one night while talking to Rachel. Mom and I were watching The Amazing Race on TV, and I texted Rach saying that we should try out for that show sometime. She said that it would be really fun to see the world and also to see how God would work while we were on the race. Her text made me think she was thinking about the World Race. But then the World Race got me thinking...was that even a possibility? Could I do the Race at this time in my life? 

So all that night I was talking to God--going over different possibilities. But all the while knowing that God is Sovereign. He can do whatever He wants. 

So, instead of just waiting around for a few weeks, I decided to go ahead and apply for the Race. I decided to take a step of faith, believing that God will either open this door wide or close it in my face.

I had my phone interview this past week--on Halloween actually. And I think it went well. I talked a lot about my past, how God is working in my life, how He has been working in my life. I won't find out anything for two weeks. So I'm just waiting and hoping in the Father. Trusting that if I am accepted and go that it will be His will. Or if they say no, that it would be His will and He would guide me down His path of life. 

Ultimately, I just want to be obedient to His voice. I want to follow Him down the path that He's already walked for me. I want Him to be glorified in the way I live. 

So I will just keep trusting. 

This morning I read through Jeremiah 1. And The Lord touched me through Jeremiah's call. God essentially says that Jeremiah will go where God tells him to, and he'll say what God tells him to say. Oh, how I long for that to be true of my life. I am hoping and praying for obedience in my life, so that I will go and do what God is calling me to do. 

Blessings

Life as I Know It

So.
I know that it's been forever.
Forever.
Life is just crazy.
And sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Or at least sometimes I don't feel like processing through writing.
I've been spending a lot of time in prayer.
Mostly crying my eyes out.
Life is hard. So hard.
Nothing is turning out how I ever thought it would.
My dad died. Almost three months ago now.
I just celebrated my first birthday without him.
It was weird. Really weird.
I know that I haven't been with him for my last two birthdays.
But I still got to look forward to phone calls and texts from him.
Not this year.

My life isn't as blurry as it was right after his death.
But it still is so blurry.
I don't understand what is going on half the time.
I have to fight to not just drift.
I have to fight to stay in communication with God, because it would be so easy to let my relationship with him fall by the wayside because my heart hurts so badly.
I'm struggling through my grief. I'm struggling through pain--deep, heart-wrenching pain.
I'm fighting for joy, for love.
I'm fighting to see the Lord's hand in all this.
And y'all, it's hard.

God is so good in all this, though.
He is faithful. He is true.
He is steadfast.
He is my firm anchor to which I cling.
My hope is placed in Him.

So even though life is blurry right now,
I have hope that maybe tomorrow won't be as blurry,
that maybe a week from now He'll bring some clarity,
that maybe a month from now I'll have a greater joy in Him.

May He continue to be exalted by my life.
He is good.

My Great Need

So, two days ago marked the one month anniversary of my dad's death, and yesterday was supposed to be my parents' 31st wedding anniversary. A sadness has been dwelling among us the past couple of days. It's definitely been hard. I just miss him. Deep within my heart there's this longing to talk to him. Deep within my heart there's this wound. And it's going to take a little while to heal. 

But even now, I can see the Lord's faithfulness in healing my heart. Yes, I'm still hurt and confused, but His grace is so clear to me. I am continually on desperate need of Jesus to come and change my heart. I need Him to keep guiding me and leading me. I just am in need of Christ.

Yeah...

I don't really know how to describe how different life is now.
I know that he's only been gone for two days.
But in the matter of a couple of hours, it seems life has been turned completely upside down.

When I'm home for too long,
I start thinking that my dad is going to walk through the door.
I miss his laughter.
I miss his silly faces.
I miss his sarcasm.
I miss his hugs.

I just don't know how to keep going.
But I do know that the Lord has been faithful in helping me move and breathe.
He has been faithful to keep my heart focused on Him and trusting in His love and plan.

These past couple of days have been extremely hard, and I know it's just going to get harder.

The memorial service for my dad is on Friday at 11am at Sagebrush Riverside Campus.

Blessings.

Painting

I started painting my room today,
and I must say that it looks pretty awesome so far.
The color grey that I got is just wonderful.
I think it'll turn out to be a good refuge place.
Somewhere I can go to relax and grow.

But while I was painting some of the walls in my room,
I was realizing how painting always comes around seasons of change in my life.
It's not a spectacular realization or anything.
I was just thinking about all the times I've painted rooms that I've lived in--
and they always come around seasons of change and growth.
Always.
When I paint, God tends to send me some circumstances to trust Him through.
This isn't any different.
This season that the Lord has ushered into my life is one that I am going to have to lean hard on Him through.
And I mean hard.

All today I've been talking with the Lord.
We've been having some conversations.
I've been crying out to Him a lot--with questions that He'll probably never answer, except that He already has.
You see, I've been asking a lot of "Why?" questions lately.
And He keeps bringing me back to the Gospel.
Sin has caused so many problems in this world,
but the Cross has redeemed us to a right relationship with God.
And we can now have hope for the future when all things will be made right.
We will one day have justice.
We will one day have glorified bodies in the new heavens and new earth.
We will one day be with the Savior, in unhindered fullness of joy.
He reminds me that even though there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I can still trust in Him. I can still believe that He is good and faithful. In His Sovereignty, all things work for the good of those who love Him. Meaning that there is a reason for everything--and the Lord is able to bring glory to Himself through the things that happen in my life, whether I see them as good or bad things. Ultimately, my life purpose is not to be happy all the time, my life purpose is to bring great glory to the Creator of the universe, the Savior of my soul. And if I can bring Him glory through grieving over news that breaks my heart, then that's what I'll choose to do.

I don't know how to approach the subject of death.
It seems so abnormal.
It seems so wrong.
And that's the way it should be.
We were meant to live. We were meant to enjoy relationship with God.
But instead we chose to go our own way. We chose death.
And it's so hard because no one wants to face something that is inevitable at one point or another.
I don't want to face it.
But the reality of the shortness of life is becoming more and more real to me--and my family.
We truly are like the grass of the field, here today and gone tomorrow.
The psalmist said it right when he asked the Lord to teach him to number his days.
We don't have very much time here on this earth before it's over.
So how do we talk about death?
How should we approach this subject?
I still don't know.
A couple of years ago I could have answered this easily. I would have said that we should be joyful that the loved one (if he/she was a believer) was finally able to go be with the Lord.
But it's just not that simple.
Yes, it should be comforting to know that the loved one isn't in any more pain and is living in the light of the Savior. We will one day be reunited.
But that won't lessen the pain of the loss. Death is a separator. We were meant to have relationship, meaning, we were supposed to be with one another. So, yes. the death of a loved one will hurt.

Painting.
Yes, it reminds me of so many changes in the past.
And there are so many changes yet to come, I'm sure.
Blessings.