Life's Different Now

So the other day
I was thinking back to this time of year
last year.
So much has changed.

And I was even thinking back to
the week leading up to Thanksgiving break
and Thanksgiving break itself.
So much has changed
since then as well.

Situations and circumstances
have changed drastically.

This year compared to last:
- I'm living in an apartment with roommates, rather than by myself in a dorm.
- I'm working two jobs, rather than one.
- I'm taking one class, rather than four.
- My walk with the Lord is deeper than it was this time last year.
- My faith is greatly deeper and stronger in Him.
- My love for the Lord is so much greater. (Mostly due because He continues to show me how great His love for me is.)

And even over the past three weeks,
so much has changed.
I can't even believe it.

My dad has cancer.
Stage 4 cancer to be exact.
They don't know the origin.
All the tests they've run
to find the origin
have come up inconclusive.
He starts chemo next Friday.
And I'll be sitting with him
for his first treatment.

I'm not going to be taking a class
next semester,
because I want to be available
to support my family
when I need to without
anything holding me back.

My emotional stability has
drastically changed as well.
I know,
I know,
that the Lord is faithful
and that He is good.
I know I can trust Him in all things.
I know that He
knew from the beginning of time
that this cancer would show up
in my dad's body at this time in
His life.
And I know that the Lord
is going to bring me through this.
But.
This does not change
that the reality of what is happening
doesn't hit me at random moments.
I'll be perfectly fine,
and then it'll hit.
And I'll be sobbing out
the sorrow in my heart.
And then it will pass.
My heart is literally broken.
Broken.
Over the past couple of weeks,
since my dad was
put in the hospital,
my heart has been hurting,
and it's been hard to breathe.
It's like this weight has been put
on my chest.
It's not painful or anything.
But it's a reminder
of my heartache.
It's a reminder that I
could loose my dad soon.

It's so much to take in.
So much.
It's overwhelming.
I mean,
I thought my dad would
be around a very long time.
I thought that we would
get to do a lot of things together.
I thought that he would get to
walk me down the aisle,
that he would get to play with my kids,
that my sister and I would
get to send him and my mom
on a fantastic anniversary cruise one year.
But.
Those things may never happen.
They may never happen.

But they could still happen as well.

Life hangs in the balance right now.

Here's the thing.
My dad starts chemo Friday,
right?
Well,
this is going to sound so terrible,
but I'm not hopeful that it's going to work.
The Lord just isn't letting me go there.
I want to be supportive of my dad
during this time.
I want to show him I love him.
But I just don't know if chemo is going to work.
Everyone is telling me that it's all going to be okay.
But honestly,
who's to say what the Lord has planned.
Who knows what the Lord has willed.
Yes, I know that He will be
exalted and glorified.
But that does not mean that my dad
will be healed.
And I don't want to put my hope in
healing anyway.

I do want my dad to be okay.
Desperately.
I don't know what my life
would look like without him.
And that scares me.
It scares me to death that
I could loose him.

And this is where the Lord
has kept me over the past
week since I found out it
was stage 4.
But as much as I want my dad
to be okay,
I just can't hope for healing.

Instead,
the Lord has been reminding
me of His faithfulness.
He's been pouring out
His love on me in different ways:
showing me that He's with me
in this darkness.
He's been reminding me
that my hope needs to be
found in Him and Him only.
Because He is the One
who mends broken hearts.
He keeps me close when I cannot
function.

Psalm 142:3
"When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, You knew my path."

God has been reminding me
that He has already walked my path.
He knew it.
Therefore,
even when I am afraid,
I can still trust in the
One who knows the way.
I can rest in Him,
knowing that He cares for me.

And because of that,
I can worship Him.
Even when I'm scared
of loosing my dad,
I can worship God because
of who He is.
Just because my circumstances
are scary and overwhelming,
doesn't mean that I can't
trust in God and worship Him.

So no,
I'm not hopeful in healing.
But I'm hopeful in something greater.
The Lord.
I'm hopeful that His will will
be done,
that His glory will be made known,
and that His Gospel will be shared.

I'm scared.
But I'm so thankful
God continues to
draw me to Himself.

May my hope rest
securely in the Maker of heaven and earth.
May my heart rest
in His promises.
May His peace continue
to flood my heart, my mind, and my family's lives.

Psalm 147:1-6 (emphasis added by me)
"Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant and praise is becoming. The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them. Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite. The Lord supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground."