and one of the other single ladies from
my Growth Group.
It was good to get to know her better
and spend some qt with her
outside of a Tuesday night.
We shared our stories.
And I was reminded of
God's grace that has completely overwhelmed
my life and my heart.
Perhaps this explains my
overwhelming desire to cry
my eyes out tonight.
But God is so great.
So much greater than my puny
heart and mind could ever give Him
credit for.
His love
has wiped out my sin and
my transgressions.
And I am still just learning
how much I need the Gospel.
It has been a little over two years
since I desired to take my life.
Two years of learning.
Two years of my Savior
teaching me what it is to follow Him,
love Him,
and love others.
It's amazing how
the Lord can work in such great ways.
Almost two years ago, I wrote this:
"A long time ago, there was a little girl. She was young, and she knew of a Love bigger than she could ever imagine. She wanted to know more about this Love before accepting it, so she read and asked lots of questions. Finally, she discovered that Love was what she wanted. She wanted it more than anything she ever had before.
Little did she know that Love would one day take her on an amazing journey.
A few years down the road, Love asked her to follow Him wherever He lead. No matter what the cost. No matter how much it hurt. No matter what joy, happiness, sadness, gloom the choice made. He wanted her to make the commitment to follow Him.
And she did.
She said she would follow Him down any path. As long as He stayed by her side.
He promised He would never leave her.
A couple years after that, the girl went though some rough times. She had a hard time seeing what Love was doing. Why was all this happening to her? She just didn't understand. She felt used and abused, and no one could help. But most of all, she felt all alone.
That summer, Love's guiding hand led her away from the chaotic mess of home. He took her to a beautiful country and showed her how He could transform lives in a short period of time. He also showed her that He was still with her. He reminded her of His love and how He wanted to see her life transformed in Him.
She came home at the end of the summer feeling refreshed and renewed. She knew she could trust Love and that she could forgive and move on with her life. She had a purpose again, and she wanted to share Love with everyone around her.
And she began doing just that. She found joy in the simplest of things. From going to a movie with a friend to sharing the Christmas story with kids, she knew Love would use anything she did for His glory.
But there were thoughts running through her mind. Thoughts she didn't want to share with anyone because she was afraid they would look at her like she was crazy. She always felt as if no one really cared about her. Like she could just disappear, and no one would ever notice. She always forced these horrible feelings down, but they never went away. She just learned how to live with them.
A couple of years passed, and the girl was headed up to her favorite place in the world. A place where Love always spoke to her and guided her down His path. She would go on walks with Him to an opening where she could sit and talk to Him for hours without ever getting tired.
The girl thought this summer was going to be the best summer of her life, where she would have fun with her best friends and discover what exactly her next steps would be.
Love had another plan though. He was going to make her face what she had buried deep inside: all her horrible feelings. He was going to show her freedom.
The two months in her favorite place were some of the hardest months of her life. She faced sadness, torment, and at some points, she just wanted to end it all. But her friends were there to lift her up and help her through. Without them, she would not have continued on Love's journey for her.
At the end of the summer, she thought the worst was over. She thought she was going to be okay, and that Love was going to show her the purpose for all the suffering and hurt she went through.
But instead Love was silent.
She didn't understand. Had she done something wrong? Did she stray from Him? Where was He? She was alone...
The spiral downward started slowly, and then it rapidly progressed. She felt herself falling farther and farther, deeper and deeper into a dark pit. She didn't see anything but darkness. Her once joyful life had turned to depression. She didn't see any way out.
No one noticed. No one cared. She thought the best thing to do was disappear.
She began going through her things, figuring out what she would want to leave behind, and what she could go ahead and get rid of. It was harder than she thought it was going to be. She starting writing notes to everyone she wanted to say goodbye to...everyone who meant a lot to her and had made a difference in her life.
It was then Love intervened.
He brought several people into her life who reminded her of how much she was loved. They helped her see that she didn't need to be perfect for others to like her or love her, but that she just needed to be herself.
She started seeing the light at that moment. She could feel Love's guiding hand lifting her out of the dark pit that she had begun to think was her new home.
Love transformed her. She started seeing herself as beautiful and valued. Something she had never really thought of herself as before.
She continued on with her life, almost afraid to accept the change that Love had made in her life, fearing that she would fall again.
Eventually, Love convinced her that He was with her. She needed not fear anything, for He was right by her side.
A couple days later, something happened. She had a horrible day, and nothing was going right. She could feel herself start decending into the pit, but Someone grabbed her arm.
Love was there. Just as He promised.
He lifted her up and filled her mind with other promises that He had made to her. Promises fulfilled and promises yet to come. He also filled her mind with songs. Songs she could carry with her about His love and all that He would do in her life.
The girl was overwhelmed. She still could not comprehend a love this magnificent. She still wanted to follow Him down whatever path He may choose. Even with what she had gone through, she knew that she could make it through anything with Him by her side. Her love for Him had grown deeper than it had ever been in the past, and she knew without a doubt that by His side was where she wanted to be. Both now and forevermore.
Love is still guiding her. The girl doesn't know where He will take her in the future, but she does know that she is safe in His arms. He will take her on an amazing journey everyday of her life. And she can't wait to see where tomorrow will lead."
That last paragraph?
It's still true.
It's still my life.
I had no idea that the Lord
would uproot me from NM
and bring me all the way to NC.
No. Idea.
But He did.
He moved me to keep me dependent
and to keep teaching me.
And He shall continue to work and move.
I know that He still has so much to teach me.
And with His help,
I will keep learning.
I don't know what God has in
store for this next season of my life.
Sometimes I wish that I did.
Honestly, I wish I knew what was
coming up a lot.
But that's for God to know,
and me to find out.
I know I can trust Him.
And that's what's so wonderful.
Blessings.
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