Orphan Care

This whole past week has been about orphan care it seems.
Monday night was the Orphan Care Coffee House,
and I got to learn a lot about orphan care.
And God has been bringing this to mind this past week.
And today in church,
the teaching pastor, Tony, taught from Galatians 4:1-7
about Orphan Care and the Doctrine of Adoption.

We were orphans.
Jesus came, lived a life we couldn't live, died the life we should've died, so that we could be adopted by God into His family.
We are now heirs.
How incredibly blessed are we!

After hearing the message this morning,
I didn't want to be around other people.
(I now knew the reason why I drove alone to church this morning.)
So I left, and I spent some time alone with the Lord.
What does He want me to do in light of what He's taught me about orphan care?
1. Pray and pray hard.
2. Continue supporting Nekairo. (She's my Compassion child that I sponsor.)
3. Pray some more about how to serve next, where to go, what to do, etc.
4. Share the news with others.

I don't know what God has in store for me in this area.
I don't know if I'm just going to adopt in the future,
if I'll be come an advocate for children...
only God knows what will happen in my life.
But He's igniting a passion for the care of orphans, widows, and seeking out justice in me.
And I pray that He continues to fan the flame.

Looooong Day

Found out a friend from high school died in her sleep last night.
This is hitting hard.
Why?
Because I wasn't the nicest person to her.
I ignored her.
I tried to avoid her.
And now there's no way to ever apologize.
Time with Jesus is going to be greatly needed tonight.

And on top of that, it was a rough night at work.
The girls were psycho tonight.

Thank goodness the weekend is just around the corner.

Let's Be Honest

I have a really hard time opening up to new people.
It's not that I don't like meeting new people.
But until I have a lot of time to observe others and really get to know them,
I'm a really quiet person.
I always have been this way...
or at least for as long as I can remember.
I do admit that I have some trust issues,
And I'm working on overcoming those with the Lord's help.
But it's a struggle for me to open up to "newer" people.
Even if I've hung out with them for a few consecutive weeks.

The whole reason I'm bringing this up is just because I feel like a loner.
Seriously.
Here at school, I don't have that many friends.
I mean, I know a lot of people,
I have a lot of acquaintances,
But I don't really know people.
And that's a problem for me.
I crave people. NOT the attention of people.
But just being around people that I know, and that know me.
There's fellowship in just sitting with people. And I love that kind of fellowship.
I love to just sit and listen to other people.
And I haven't found much time for that since being here.
And I'm having a hard time finding my place.
Finding where God wants me.
It's a struggle.
This is probably mostly my fault.
I'm not good at all at putting myself out there,
Making myself vulnerable.
Often I feel like people look at me like I have my life completely together.
Like I'm putting on a face.
But I'm really not.
I just have a hard time showing my real feelings to people I don't know.
People I haven't had any real time with.
But, the problem is, I don't know how to fix this.
I don't know how to make new friends.
(I know that sounds really stupid.)
But I feel like I'm intruding on people when I want to hang out with others.
Or get to know them.
This has always been a problem with me.
I don't want to burden anyone.
And I guess that's how I've always seen myself: a burden.
But I'm learning that I'm not.
I'm not that at all.
And by thinking that for all these years,
I've, indeed, hindered my growth in my relationships with others,
But, more importantly, my relationship with God.
How dumb I am.
God has to teach me the same lessons over.
And over.
And over.
You would think by now I would have learned these things.
But I guess not.

It's so easy for me to express myself in writing.
I've always found comfort in writing out my feelings and thoughts.
But speaking to others and telling them what's really going on is hard for me.
Like this blog,
I have no idea how many people actually read this.
And I really don't care. Because this is a place for me to express myself.
But having a conversation with someone I don't really know is hard.
Extremely hard.
On the verge of impossible actually.
It's painful.
It's nerve-wracking.
And that explains why for most of my life I have avoided it.
But at the same time I so desperately want to know people and have them know me.
I want them to know my story and I want to know theirs.
I want to see the Biblical church come alive.

So how do these things balance out?
Jesus.
He's going to have to continue His work in me.
Which He's already begun.
(Just to let you know.)
He's already showing me that this is a problem,
And this needs to be dealt with by Him.
Am I going to allow Him to have control of this area of my life?
Absolutely.
Because I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being afraid to speak.
And I want Him to be glorified in my life.
This change, it's not going to be easy.
But when has my life ever been easy?
Ha.
Oh, I can't wait to see what God is going to do through this.

God Answers Prayer

Seriously. He does.
I know we hear this said all the time.
But sometimes I feel like we forget this fact.
But I've been seeing this principle at work in my life so much lately.

Last week, for example, God answered a prayer.
My Growth Group has been praying for a girl to come to know Christ and trust Him for salvation.
We've been praying hardcore for her.
And last week, Tuesday, to be exact, she trusted Christ.
She became my sister.
And I've been able to witness a complete turn around in her life.
It truly is incredible.
And I'm so excited to see what God has in store for her.

Today is another example.
I was really having a hard time at seeing myself as beautiful.
(This is something that I struggle with off and on.)
And God brought me to Song of Songs 4,
And He reminded me that He thinks I am beautiful.
It doesn't matter what I think of myself.
He has created me without a flaw, beautiful.
So I was just praying that He would help me see myself as beautiful.
That He would remind me of my beauty inside and out.
So just after I finished talking with Him, I went to the basement to make my lunch.
When I got there, two friends were there eating some lunch and chatting.
And we got to talking about a lot of different things...
one of them happening to be about beauty.
And we were able to encourage one another, reminding each other how beautiful we were.
So two precious friends reminded me of my beauty in the Lord.
It was amazing.
I walked away feeling refreshed and amazed.
My God decided to answer my puny prayer about needed to know that I'm beautiful.
If He would answer that prayer,
What else could/should I be asking?

All too often I put God in a box,
limiting Him to what I know.
What if I started praying for things that are beyond the things I know?
What if I started asking big things from my big God?

Something to ponder the next few days.
Anyway,
God answers prayer.
He always has,
and He always will.
Sometimes we just have to take the time to be still
and listen.

Learning Equals Life

so my last blog was rather depressing. 

sorry about that. 

i was having a rough day/week.

but i'm doing a lot better now. 

and a lot of it has to do with God. 

transitioning to a life without my roommate turned out to be a lot harder than i thought it was going to be. i had gotten so used to always having someone around, or even just knowing that someone was going to be around when i woke up in the middle of the night or when i got up in the morning. i mean, i've been sharing a room with someone since the beginning of june. and before that, i lived in a house with my family. so i was just used to having people there. so when rachel wasn't there anymore...it was just really hard. 

i didn't understand what God was up to. i didn't understand why i had to go through this. i didn't understand what was really going on. i felt lost, alone, and miserable. 

that week was filled with tears, heartache, and lessons. 

time and time again, God taught me something. 

i think i learned some important lessons that i could have only learned that way. 

1. i have learned that i was way too dependent upon people. i hadn't realized that i was placing my hopes in the people around me. i was living for their acceptance, for their smiles, for their approval. and not having someone around me all the time really opened my eyes to this problem in my life. i've been able to take a good look at my life and allow God to start working in me in some different ways that He couldn't have done otherwise. 

2. i have learned that He does have a plan through all things. i've been able to spend extra time with Him without worrying about being interrupted or anything like that. which is a great thing. i don't think i've had this kind of quality time with Him since i left home back in May. so it's been good. and in spending some time with Him, He's made it perfectly clear that He does in fact have a plan for my life. i started thinking that He didn't, because i have absolutely no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life. (i don't like being asked what i want to do when i get out of college anymore, because i simply don't know. i don't know what i want to do. i don't even know what tomorrow is going to look like, so how can i look down the road 5 years ahead. ha.) anyway, through everything, God has made it perfectly clear that He has a plan. and He's going to guide me down the right path. i just have to be willing to follow Him in the small and big things of my life. He's going to show me what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go.
and finally:

3. i have learned that God will provide. after that week, i was in great need of some close friends to visit! and what do you know, krystal, rachel, and mandy came to visit for the weekend! no matter what i face, God is going to provide for me. this past week, my car was broken...it was leaking oil, badly, so i needed to get it fixed. and God took care of getting it fixed within a couple days. God will provide the big and little things. and He will work all things out for His glory. i had a breakdown on sunday after seeing my car leaking oil, and i called my dad crying. and he said to look at it not as things going wrong. well, that stuck with me all week and even right now. up till then, i had been looking at a lot of things as going wrong. not going according to my plan. BUT all of these things aren't going wrong. they are the plans of the Almighty. and He's working everything out for my good. He's been using this time in my life to shape and mold me into the person He can use later on in life. it's not easy, but i have hope that He's doing this. God knew all this would happen long before i was even born. how comforting is this! He's in control. and i'm so thankful.

so it's been an interesting couple of weeks. 

i've been so busy with school and life.

this past week, especially, has been rather crazy. 

but it's been good. 

God has been good this week. 

anyway, i have more homework to finish up so that i can just chill for a while. 

blessings!

This is Hard

Today is one of those days I am wishing I was home.
Home to talk to everyone.
Home to be around my family and friends.

It's just been hard.
Hard to see why God is doing the things He is.
Hard to understand everything.
Hard to be alone.
Hard not to have any friends.
Hard to not have my family close by.
Hard not to have a roommate.
Hard to not do well on midterms.
Hard to just live.

The past week or so has been this kind of hard.
I don't feel like I'm adjusting as well as I thought I would.
I just wish I could go to sleep and not ever have to leave my bed again.
I wish I was back home.

But even in all this, my God is greater than these feelings.
He's brought me here. He's brought me through past situations.
And this current situation, He's taking care of it.
He's working in and through it. I don't know how yet.
Still waiting on Him to show me that.
But I know that He's taking care of me.
He's working things out in a way that could only bring Him glory.
I just need to rest in the hope of His deliverance and salvation.
He's got this.
This may be hard, but my God works in the hard times.
He is good. He is faithful.

Fall Breakness

The last day of Fall Break. Is. Today.
Nooooooo!!!!
As much as I don't want this lovely break to end,
I am so thankful for the opportunities God has given me this past week.
Let me tell you about a few of them.
It's rather exciting.

Last Sunday I drove out to Tenessee to spend some time with some close friends of mine.
The Patricks.
They are an amazing family with a passion for God.
And I got to spend a lot of time with them.
Anyway, so I got there on Sunday night, and got to see the movie Courageous with them and their awesome church.
(The movie was awesome btw. Highly recommend it. I honestly would have loved a different ending though. Ha. It was a little abrupt for me.)
After the movie we just got to hang out for a little while before I was exhausted enough to go to sleep.

Monday was my only day to get homework done.
When I left Wake Forest, I was totally expecting to get a lot of homework done.
I guess I just set too high expectations. Haha.
Anyway, I spend the day reading my history and philosophy books.
Thrilling, right?
But, oddly enough, it was very relaxing.
It was great to be in a different environment than what I was used to.
So it was good.
When the family got home from work/school I was able to spend some time with them,
so that made the day even better.

Tuesday was my birthday!
Yay! It was a good day!
I got to hang out with the Patricks all day long.
We went up into the Smokey mountains and drove around for a while,
got ice cream, and then later some cake.
And it was just good to be around people I'm close to
since I couldn't be around my family back home.

Wednesday was a day just hanging out.
And then...at night I spoke to their youth group.
Scary!
I am not a huge fan of talking in front of groups of people.
But, I hope, God spoke through me and said what He wanted to say.
It was good though.
It was great to be around a youth group again,
I had forgotten how much I loved helping with the youth
and kinda leading out with stuff.
It's been such a long time since I had done anything like that.
Maybe God will bring a job along that has to do with a youth group sometime in the future.
Hopefully.

Thursday I spent the day with Karen!
We went to Knoxville and hung out for a while.
Oh, and we got Rita's.
The heavenly tasting stuff. That's right.
That night we went to a banquet for a local rescue mission type foundation.
It was pretty nifty.
THEN we dyed each others hairs. Ha.
So, I am no longer a blonde.
I am back to a brown-ish color.
And I am loving it.
Just so you all know.

And then Friday, I had to come home.
Sadness.
It was hard to say goodbye, especially since it felt like I just got there.
But I definitely know I will be going back soon.
I need to see all the Christmas lights the town puts up.
Seriously.
I've been told that they're lit from late October to February.
I need to see this for myself.
And I will.
Soon.

Friday was the LONGEST day ever.
I was in the car about an hour and a half longer than I should have been due to traffic on I-40.
Lame sauce.
But I made it home, and that night I crashed.

Saturday Mary Grace came to see me!!
She drove all the way from Columbia
to see me!!
We just hung out for a while.
We went to Moe's for lunch,
got some Rita's!
And then went shopping.
We went to Goodwill where
she got spoons -- so silly,
and I got a new cabinet! (Ah!)
I was tired of crouching down for my fridge...
so I got something for it to stand on. (And I now have more storage.)
Holla!
Anyway, it was a good day with her visit.
And I am so very glad that I got to see her.

Anyway, my very exciting opportunities were these:
-speaking to a youth group
-slowing down for a while to actually listen to His voice
-encouraging some friends (the Patricks and MG)
-sleeping (a lot)

I know they may not sound too exciting.
But oh, they were.
Especially the second one I listed.
I really needed some time away from all the noise of my life here at school:
all the professors, preachers, chapels, friends, and books.
I needed some time with my Savior
to process what He had told me over the past few weeks/months
as well as see what He wanted me to do about it all.
And He gave me some clarity about some things.
So I am very thankful for that.
I'm still not sure about a lot of things though.
But that's okay.
He is sovereign.
And that's all I need to know.
He's going to guide me, take care of me, and help me follow Him.

One of the things I really needed clarity on was a program I thought I wanted to do.
I was looking into the Hands-On program
through IMB.
It's a really cool program,
and I thought I would really love to do it.
So I started and finished the application process.
But something just didn't seem right.
But I couldn't put my finger on it.
And all of a sudden, my life started getting really busy and I didn't have as much time to pray about it with God, but I knew He was trying desperately to tell me something about this program.
So going away, getting away from the familiar, the noise, I was able to hear God speak to me.
I had all the wrong motives for doing this program.
It was a selfish desire to do missions that was promoting me to go.
I've always wanted to do foreign missions.
And this was my big chance to do so.
How wrong I was.
And God showed me that while I was away.
I'm where He wants me.
I don't know how long I'll be here. But this is where He wants me to be for the school years.
Now the summer is a completely different subject.
Also while I was away, God was telling me "Go."
Go where?
I have no idea yet.
Well that's not true. I do have an idea.
But I'm praying about it.
A lot.
But this is one of those things that I know God will make clear as time passes.

God is moving and working in my life.
He's up to something big right now.
But I have no idea what it is.
I feel something big happening.
And I am excited to see what it is.
Ha. I don't do well with surprises.
I'm too curious about them.
God knows what He's doing though.
Of that I am confident.
I trust Him.