New Beginnings...at least for Now

I have been using this blog for so long.
And I love it.
I plan on continuing to use it.
But I'll be taking a break from it for quite a while.

Since I have been accepted to The World Race, I have to keep a blog. And I'll be posting a lot of updates there.

I added an RSS feed at the top of this blog so that you can follow me on my journey.

Blessings.

Let's Go on This Adventure Together

So. 

I was notified today that I have been accepted to be a Racer in the World Race! 

I am so excited!! 

My route is scheduled to leave in September 2014. 

As I get further along, I will find out more details. But for right now, I know that I'll be going to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, South Africa, Swaziland, Botswana, Turkey, Albania,Nicaragua, Costa Rica, and Honduras. 

Sweet! 

So, I need all you blog readers to do something for me: I need you to start praying. Praying that The Lord would prepare me for the adventure I'm about to go on, that He would prepare the hearts of those I'll be ministering to, that He would unify my team and my squad to work together for His glory. 

I'll be starting an official World Race blog soon, so when I get that, I'll post the link here.

With the going also comes the cost. I'll be doing some raising of the funds starting shortly. I have quite a bit to raise, as well as buying some supplies and stuff like that. 

The Lord is so faithful!! I am so thankful that He's giving me this opportunity! I can't wait to see what He's going to do! 

Blessings.

The Going

Here's the deal: I've applied to go on a mission trip called The World Race 

Ever heard of it? 

I'm thinking that most of you haven't. So I'm going to share what it's all about. It is a trip that lasts 11 months and goes to 11 different countries. There are many different kinds of ministries to do in each country. And you're placed on a team of around 7 people. So you "run the race" an travel in a small community of people the entire time on the field. 

And here's why I've applied:

For a while, I've been wanting to travel, so at first I started looking into a month-long trip to Europe to go explore with some friends. I thought it would be so awesome to go and see things I've always wanted to see. And most of all, I thought that The Lord could use that time to work on my heart and maybe give me some clarity about my life and what He wants me to do. So as I prayed for wisdom about that trip, The Lord kept bringing me back to examine my motives. And the more I searched my heart, the more I saw that I was being selfish. I was going to be willing to spend thousands of dollars, for what? To pursue my own selfish desire. It had nothing to do with the Kingdom. It had nothing to do with His purposes. So as the door to Europe started to close, I started asking for wisdom to see what He was wanting for me. As I dialogued with God about this for weeks, my answer came one night while talking to Rachel. Mom and I were watching The Amazing Race on TV, and I texted Rach saying that we should try out for that show sometime. She said that it would be really fun to see the world and also to see how God would work while we were on the race. Her text made me think she was thinking about the World Race. But then the World Race got me thinking...was that even a possibility? Could I do the Race at this time in my life? 

So all that night I was talking to God--going over different possibilities. But all the while knowing that God is Sovereign. He can do whatever He wants. 

So, instead of just waiting around for a few weeks, I decided to go ahead and apply for the Race. I decided to take a step of faith, believing that God will either open this door wide or close it in my face.

I had my phone interview this past week--on Halloween actually. And I think it went well. I talked a lot about my past, how God is working in my life, how He has been working in my life. I won't find out anything for two weeks. So I'm just waiting and hoping in the Father. Trusting that if I am accepted and go that it will be His will. Or if they say no, that it would be His will and He would guide me down His path of life. 

Ultimately, I just want to be obedient to His voice. I want to follow Him down the path that He's already walked for me. I want Him to be glorified in the way I live. 

So I will just keep trusting. 

This morning I read through Jeremiah 1. And The Lord touched me through Jeremiah's call. God essentially says that Jeremiah will go where God tells him to, and he'll say what God tells him to say. Oh, how I long for that to be true of my life. I am hoping and praying for obedience in my life, so that I will go and do what God is calling me to do. 

Blessings

Life as I Know It

So.
I know that it's been forever.
Forever.
Life is just crazy.
And sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Or at least sometimes I don't feel like processing through writing.
I've been spending a lot of time in prayer.
Mostly crying my eyes out.
Life is hard. So hard.
Nothing is turning out how I ever thought it would.
My dad died. Almost three months ago now.
I just celebrated my first birthday without him.
It was weird. Really weird.
I know that I haven't been with him for my last two birthdays.
But I still got to look forward to phone calls and texts from him.
Not this year.

My life isn't as blurry as it was right after his death.
But it still is so blurry.
I don't understand what is going on half the time.
I have to fight to not just drift.
I have to fight to stay in communication with God, because it would be so easy to let my relationship with him fall by the wayside because my heart hurts so badly.
I'm struggling through my grief. I'm struggling through pain--deep, heart-wrenching pain.
I'm fighting for joy, for love.
I'm fighting to see the Lord's hand in all this.
And y'all, it's hard.

God is so good in all this, though.
He is faithful. He is true.
He is steadfast.
He is my firm anchor to which I cling.
My hope is placed in Him.

So even though life is blurry right now,
I have hope that maybe tomorrow won't be as blurry,
that maybe a week from now He'll bring some clarity,
that maybe a month from now I'll have a greater joy in Him.

May He continue to be exalted by my life.
He is good.

My Great Need

So, two days ago marked the one month anniversary of my dad's death, and yesterday was supposed to be my parents' 31st wedding anniversary. A sadness has been dwelling among us the past couple of days. It's definitely been hard. I just miss him. Deep within my heart there's this longing to talk to him. Deep within my heart there's this wound. And it's going to take a little while to heal. 

But even now, I can see the Lord's faithfulness in healing my heart. Yes, I'm still hurt and confused, but His grace is so clear to me. I am continually on desperate need of Jesus to come and change my heart. I need Him to keep guiding me and leading me. I just am in need of Christ.

Yeah...

I don't really know how to describe how different life is now.
I know that he's only been gone for two days.
But in the matter of a couple of hours, it seems life has been turned completely upside down.

When I'm home for too long,
I start thinking that my dad is going to walk through the door.
I miss his laughter.
I miss his silly faces.
I miss his sarcasm.
I miss his hugs.

I just don't know how to keep going.
But I do know that the Lord has been faithful in helping me move and breathe.
He has been faithful to keep my heart focused on Him and trusting in His love and plan.

These past couple of days have been extremely hard, and I know it's just going to get harder.

The memorial service for my dad is on Friday at 11am at Sagebrush Riverside Campus.

Blessings.

Painting

I started painting my room today,
and I must say that it looks pretty awesome so far.
The color grey that I got is just wonderful.
I think it'll turn out to be a good refuge place.
Somewhere I can go to relax and grow.

But while I was painting some of the walls in my room,
I was realizing how painting always comes around seasons of change in my life.
It's not a spectacular realization or anything.
I was just thinking about all the times I've painted rooms that I've lived in--
and they always come around seasons of change and growth.
Always.
When I paint, God tends to send me some circumstances to trust Him through.
This isn't any different.
This season that the Lord has ushered into my life is one that I am going to have to lean hard on Him through.
And I mean hard.

All today I've been talking with the Lord.
We've been having some conversations.
I've been crying out to Him a lot--with questions that He'll probably never answer, except that He already has.
You see, I've been asking a lot of "Why?" questions lately.
And He keeps bringing me back to the Gospel.
Sin has caused so many problems in this world,
but the Cross has redeemed us to a right relationship with God.
And we can now have hope for the future when all things will be made right.
We will one day have justice.
We will one day have glorified bodies in the new heavens and new earth.
We will one day be with the Savior, in unhindered fullness of joy.
He reminds me that even though there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I can still trust in Him. I can still believe that He is good and faithful. In His Sovereignty, all things work for the good of those who love Him. Meaning that there is a reason for everything--and the Lord is able to bring glory to Himself through the things that happen in my life, whether I see them as good or bad things. Ultimately, my life purpose is not to be happy all the time, my life purpose is to bring great glory to the Creator of the universe, the Savior of my soul. And if I can bring Him glory through grieving over news that breaks my heart, then that's what I'll choose to do.

I don't know how to approach the subject of death.
It seems so abnormal.
It seems so wrong.
And that's the way it should be.
We were meant to live. We were meant to enjoy relationship with God.
But instead we chose to go our own way. We chose death.
And it's so hard because no one wants to face something that is inevitable at one point or another.
I don't want to face it.
But the reality of the shortness of life is becoming more and more real to me--and my family.
We truly are like the grass of the field, here today and gone tomorrow.
The psalmist said it right when he asked the Lord to teach him to number his days.
We don't have very much time here on this earth before it's over.
So how do we talk about death?
How should we approach this subject?
I still don't know.
A couple of years ago I could have answered this easily. I would have said that we should be joyful that the loved one (if he/she was a believer) was finally able to go be with the Lord.
But it's just not that simple.
Yes, it should be comforting to know that the loved one isn't in any more pain and is living in the light of the Savior. We will one day be reunited.
But that won't lessen the pain of the loss. Death is a separator. We were meant to have relationship, meaning, we were supposed to be with one another. So, yes. the death of a loved one will hurt.

Painting.
Yes, it reminds me of so many changes in the past.
And there are so many changes yet to come, I'm sure.
Blessings.

Adventures in Dog Walking.

Basically, I looked like a crazy person this morning when I tried to take my dogs on a walk.
Seriously.

Here's the story:
I really wanted to take a walk this morning. And it's been my goal for a little while now to start taking my dogs on a walk a few times a week. So, I thought that we should take a little walk.
So I put on their leashes, and we walked out the front door to begin our adventure in our neighborhood.
*Here's a little bit of background info before I continue.
My dogs may be big, but they are little babies. They are scared of everything in the outside world. I really should have socialized them better when they were puppies, but I didn't.*
So as we were walking down one of the streets a little while away from the house, two little white poodles started chasing us down.
Jake and Homer started freaking out.
And little did I know that I didn't put their choke chains on correctly.
Homer escaped first, then Jake followed suit.
Oh. My. Word.
Talk about chaos.
These two little poodles were freaking my dogs out.
Jake and Homer were dancing awfully close to a busy street.
So naturally,
I was yelling at J&H to sit and stay.
Did they listen?
No.
So I chased them down. And after a little bit of struggle, I got their choke chains on correctly.
And I shooed away the little poodles.
My gracious.
It was nuts.
So we continued our walk.
And Jake decided to be Houdini and escape from his choke chain again.
I just don't know how that dog does it.
So I caught up with him again, and got it back on.
Thankfully, we were able to walk all the way back home without another incident.
I'm telling you, it was so crazy.
But, it was such a joy getting to go on a walk with them again.

Blessings.

Blessed by Community

This morning was my last morning at IDC.
And it was so bittersweet.

As I glanced around the room while on stage,
I was just awed by the grace that God has shown me
for the last year and a half while I've been at IDC.
His grace was personified by so many people who have
loved me and pushed me to Christ through the gospel.

This morning I was reminded of when I first moved to Raleigh.
I was begging the Father to bring me into a community of believers--
to show me what it was really like to live selflessly
and to love the Body well.
And He was faithful in answering that request.
I also have asked many times that our hearts
would be knit together in love.
And there are quite a few ladies that I know
the Lord has woven pieces of my heart to theirs.

Which is why,
my heart is broken by the fact that I have to leave.
It truly is.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
This pain that I feel now is an evidence of the Lord's grace in my life.
I genuinely love this community.
And it's never easy to say goodbye to people you love.

But even in all this pain and sadness,
I still have fullness of joy in the Savior.

As I was doing some reading this afternoon,
I came across Psalm 40. Verses 16-17 resonated with my heart:
"Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let those who love Your salvation say continually, 'The Lord be magnified!' Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."
I can be glad and rejoice in Him.
I can continue to thank Him for the blessing this Body has been in my life--and I'm sure will continue to be as I keep in contact with people.
I can still praise Him for who He is and His faithfulness.
And I can trust Him for what will happen in the future.
I can trust that as I cry out to Him now to lead me to a community back in NM, that He will be faithful to do so.
I can trust Him.
What grace!

Anyway, this morning was a blessing.
And I'm looking forward to/dreading Tuesday night.
It'll be my last night with my Growth Group (small group).
Tears shall fall.
But I'm glad it'll be hard to say goodbye...because that means the Lord really did build us up in love.

Blessings.

Anxiety

Y'all, I've been having a harder time here recently. The past week or so I've been having mini anxiety attacks. And I know I shouldn't be having them and that I shouldn't be anxious about anything, but try just keep coming. I just don't know what to do. My heart starts beating faster, and my chest hurts like it's about to explode. But beyond that nothing is wrong.
In those moments, I have to remind myself of the Gospel. I have to walk myself through the Lord's abundant grace that He's shown me over the years. I have to constantly preach to myself so that I can push through this anxiety attacks and remember that He is sovereign over all.

I know that I'm supposed to go home.
I know I am.
But that isn't making this whole moving process any easier.
This past Saturday I went to Kings Dominion with a bunch of my friends, people who I consider my family. And getting to spend the whole day with them just hanging out and having fun was what my heart needed, but it was also a huge reminder of what I'll be leaving behind. Saturday was a huge evidence of God's grace. They were encouraging and loving. And it was wonderful to spend the day with them.
You see, the very thing I begged God  to give me while I was here--true biblical community--He's now taking away. I know that He will be faithful in providing community in NM as well. But I feel established with them. I feel like I can be myself and share my life with them. I've grown to love them all, and I deeply desire to see them grow deeper into Christ. I don't know of I could ever describe how hard it's going to be to say goodbye to them in a couple of weeks.
I am o so grateful to The Lord for the time He has given me with this group of believers. And I'm just so sad to see it come to an end.
My heart breaks every time I think of leaving.

But at the same time, I rejoice when I think that I only have two weeks left in NC.
Because that means that I get to go home. I get to see my parents and be there for them. I get to hang out with my sister and the rest of my family. And I get to see what The Lord has in store for me next. I think that could also be a contributing factor to my anxiety...I have no idea what to really expect in moving back home. I don't know where I'm doing to work. I don't really have a long term plan. I don't really know what in doing with my life...and that freaks me out a bit. But again, The Lord is faithful, and if He is taking me back home, then there is most definitely a reason for it.

So anyway, though I may be anxious about moving and everything, I am bringing those anxieties to the foot of the cross where I can lay them down before the One who is sovereign over them. I know I can trust Him. And I am so thankful that I can go before Him in prayer when I feel overwhelmed and anxious about this future that I am so uncertain about. He is good. He is faithful. He will carry me and guide me through

Tis the Last

Day of May, that is. 

I can't believe that tomorrow will be the first day of June. 

It's just so crazy. 

So crazy. 

This year is just flying by. 

Rach left on Monday to go on vacation with her mom and sister. 

And I know that she's having a blast. 

But I miss her. 

It's been so weird being alone in the mornings. 

I'm not used to it anymore. 

So, this is just another thing for me to 

trust the Lord through. 

Today at work, we're going on a field trip....

to Jubala!!

It's going to be the greatest field trip ever!!

I mean, going to get coffee and waffles with my kids?!

It's going to be awesome. 

And it'll make for a great Friday!

Also, I'm going to Kings Dominion tomorrow!!

Holla!

We're gonna have a blast. :)

I'm so excited! I can't wait to ride some roller coasters. 

Ah! 

Anyway, it's going to be a few exciting days! 

Blessings.

[Random]

I've become a really bad blogger this year.
I just can't keep up.
And I guess a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been
over the past month or so.
I've just been on the go.
But it's been so wonderful.

My sister came for a visit a couple of weeks ago.
And we had a blast.
We went up to DC.
(Let me tell you,
it was beautiful.
I wish we could have stayed longer to
explore more.
But I guess I'll just hope to go there
again one day.)
We also just hung out around
Raleigh
and did some random things.
But I think she enjoyed it,
and I know I loved having her here.

And this past weekend my friend
came up from the SC.
We went to see Star Trek into Darkness.
My. Word.
That. Movie.
I want to buy it.
I want to watch it over and over again.
It. Was. Wonderful.
Oh so wonderful.
No kidding.
You should see it,
even if you're not a Trekie...
you'd like this movie.
We also watched Grey's Anatomy's
season finale.
We were yelling at the screen together...
at the same parts.
Because we're cool like that.
And we were quoting Star Trek to one another
for the remainder of the weekend.
Ah.
So good.
We also went to the beach for a short little get away.
And we all got a little burned by the sun.
But mine has turned to a lovely tan.
yesssss.
It was wonderful to have her come.
Even if it was so short.
And it's good that I'm going to get to see her
in a month!
We'll get to continue our tradition of watching
at least one episode of
Harper's Island and Sherlock together.
Can't wait!!

I think another reason why I've turned into a terrible blogger this year,
is because I feel like I just repeat myself over and over.
I don't really have any new stories, or anything like that.
My heart is still broken.
And the Lord is still teaching me how to live with it and trust Him through it.
It's the same thing.
So I guess it's just easier for me to not write about it over and over.
But just to write about it maybe once a month.

So...
time is flying.
There's only 11 more days in May...
it's just cray cray.
I just don't understand how it's going by so fast.
But at the same time I'm thankful it's flying.
Because I am ready to be home.

Rach leaves in about a week.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
At all.
But I'll learn how to be, I guess.
The Lord is good.
He is faithful.
Even in this.

So, yeah.
I'm a little all over the place.
I'm starting to pack...sorta.
Mainly, I'm just starting to go through what I want to take with me,
and what I can leave behind/get rid of/give to Rach or others.
It's a rather big process.
But, I shall make it. Ha.
I kinda have to.

Blessings.

Two Months

Well, tomorrow will officially be two months left in Raleigh! I can't even believe how quickly time has gone by! And it just keeps flying.
But the Lord has been faithful through it all.

I don't think I can even begin to describe how bittersweet this whole situation is. I'm so ready to be back with my parents. I'm ready to be there to support them and love them. I'm ready to do what I can to take some of the stress off both of my parents. I'm excited that I'll get to spend some time with them one-on-one everyday. But I'm also excited to do things with them--especially little projects with my mom. (We're going to try our hand at making our own pickles. And I think we're going to take a cake decorating class together.) I'm excited about getting to watch a tv show with my dad and go on walks with him. I'm excited about getting to spend some time with my sister--go shopping, maybe start working out with her. I'm excited about hopefully building a closer relationship with my cousins (especially Phoebe). I want to be able to love them and have opportunities to speak the gospel into their lives.
But on the other hand, it's going to be so hard to leave. The Lord has truly blessed my time here in Raleigh. I'm going to miss my job at Ravenscroft. The people I work with are some of the greatest. And the kids, though they can drive me crazy, are a great source of joy in my life. I know I'm not directly able to tell them the gospel, but there have been times I've been able to share my faith and everyday I'm given the opportunity to show them the love and grace Christ has shown me.
This might sound a little silly, but I'm going to miss the coffee here. There just aren't any good coffee shops in the 505. So when I'm just wanting a good almond latte, what will this girl do?? Jubala won't be there! Ah! So. June 27th, the search for a good coffee shop will begin.
And, here's another silly one: I'm going to miss a grocery store. (I know, I'm wierd.) But I'm really going to miss having an Aldi. I love that place! It's so wonderful!
I'm going to desperately miss my church. This Body has surrounded me with love and grace through this whole situation with my dad. They've supported me in so many ways, and I'm going to miss them greatly...especially those who are in my Growth (small) group. These men and women have spoken the gospel and truth into my life week in and week out. They have been one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given me. Within my small group, there are the ladies, and my heart has grown to love them more and more. With every passing week, my heart grows ever fonder of them, and the walls I have built up to protect myself continue to come down. I am blessed with grace and love when they surround me.
And most of all, I'm really going to miss having Rachel around. She's been my closest friend while I've been in WaFo/Raleigh. She's been a great support, and she has pushed me toward Christ. And it's going to be so very weird to not have her around. So weird.



But, even though it's going to be hard to leave, there is a greater joy to be had back home.
I still have no idea what's going to happen with my dad, but I do know I want to be there to support him and love him through the next steps.
So.
Two Months left.
Craziness.



Oh,
and my sister's coming for a visit in 8 days!!!!!!!
It's going to be a blast!

Blessings.

Happy Easter

Today has been wonderful.
Absolutely wonderful.

Today, as many of you know, is Easter Sunday. Today we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Gathering with IDC this morning for worship was a glorious time of celebration. Eight people were baptized during the worship services, one of whom was my roommate Rachel. It was amazing to hear her share her story with our church family, and with great joy I watched her be symbolically buried with Christ and then raised to walk in newness of life. It was such a beautiful picture of the Gospel of Christ.

Later in the afternoon we went with a group from IDC to an apartment complex that has many international people, and we did an Easter Egg Hunt and passed out some food with the intention of building relationships and having Gospel-centered conversations. Rachel ended up meeting some ladies in high school. She's praying that shell have more opportunities to hang out with them and build relationships with them.

So, overall, it's been a grace filled day. The Lord has been so good and so faithful.

Blessings.

P.S.
My dad is home again. He was released from the rehab center on Thursday. So I know that it's exciting for him to be back home in a comfortable place. And I know my mom is thankful to have him back home with her.

Grace.

Well I guess it's about time I write...something.
I know,
I know.
It's been almost two weeks.

But honestly,
these two weeks have been super hard,
but great at the same time.
And I haven't had the time,
nor have I really felt like writing...
but I need to.
I gotta get it out of my heart and head
and onto "paper."

So.
Here goes.

I guess I really want to start with the goings-on with my dad this past week.
Last Sunday I got a call from my mom saying that my dad was on his way to the ER via ambulance. She said that he was having a ton of pain in his left hip and wasn't able to walk.
Thus begins my worry and pain because I wasn't able to be there for them.
Anyway, they ran a whole bunch of tests over the course of the next three days. (He had to be admitted to the hospital due to his pain and inability to walk.) And with each test, we never got any more answers.
Talk about frustrating.
Then they finally found out that he had a pinched nerve in his spine that could only be corrected with surgery.
But, he can't have surgery because he's doing chemo.
Goodness.
So, they decided to do an epidural to help control the pain.
That happened on Thursday.
And so he started walking a bit to get used to it again.
And on Friday he fell. (He's okay though. He just scraped up his knees pretty badly.) But because he fell, the doctors couldn't clear him to go home.
Today they transported him to a rehab center where he'll be until he's strong enough and stable enough in his walking abilities to go home.

It's been a hard week.
It reminded me so much of the week back in November when we first found out about his cancer.
And just as He was then, the Lord was and is faithful now.
He provided answers. He provided comfort.
He provided faith to trust Him.
There were many times this week I was overwhelmed and tempted to doubt the goodness of God.
But in those moments,
His love would flood my heart and my mind and draw me further into Himself.
I've been reminded this week of why I want to go home.

Even in the midst of the hard of the week,
the Lord has given me great cause to be joyful in Him.
My Growth Group (my small group at IDC) has been faithful in lifting me up before the Father.
And I am so thankful for each of them.
Because these people I have chosen to love and serve
have been helping me lean hard on Christ.
They are an evidence of God's grace in my life.
This past week Rachel and I have been talking a lot.
We've had some pretty late nights. But they've been wonderful.
I am going to greatly miss our chatting about Christ and the Gospel,
and about random little things.
She's been a source of great encouragement and love in my life.
And it's been so evident over this past week.

My life is full of grace.
Even though it's been hard,
I am still better off than I deserve.
I deserve to be suffering under the wrath of the Lord.
But in His Sovereignty, He's chosen me. He's redeemed me.
How beautiful is this grace.
How beautiful is this love.

Blessings.

"Official" Taste Tester

Yes, that would be me.
I have been participating in
a Bread Taste Test
given by the
NCSU Sensory Service Center
(http://www.ncsu.edu/sensory/).

It is the first taste test that they've offered
that I've either qualified to participate in
or have had some time in my schedule to go.

Anyway, I've been going everyday this week.
It's been really cool to try different kinds of breads.
I've always wanted to be a taste tester for something,
and now I can check this off of my bucket list.
It's been fun.
But I'm ready not to drive down to NCSU everyday.
It's just a little out of the way.

Well, my heart is just a little overwhelmed right now.
Maybe not just a little,
but a lot.

I got to go home last week.
And I am so very thankful that I did.
It was such a blessing to spend an entire week
with my family.
I got a lot of one-on-one time
with each of my parents and my sister;
I am thankful.

With all of that though,
I was overwhelmed.
I saw and learned a lot more
about how each of them were feeling.
(I basically knew,
but having them tell me was a huge deal.)
I saw how deeply hearts were hurting.
I saw how greatly comfort was needed.

And all I could do was cry out to the Father.

That's still all I can do.

My heart isn't the only one that still needs healing.
Theirs' are too.

We got some more news today
that presents some new challenges.
And they will force us to lean more heavily
on the provision of the Almighty.
They will cause us to wait
with great expectations
on God.

With all this happening,
I am greatly looking forward to when
I will be back at home with my parents.
I guess it's finally time to announce:
I'm moving back to the 505.
The Lord has been drawing my heart back
to home.
And it's where I need to be
so that I can best support and love my family
during this hard time in life.
So.
Come June,
I'll be trekking back across the country.

With this in mind,
the Lord has been starting to prepare my heart
about what's to come.
I don't necessarily know
what He has in store.
But I'm feeling Him move
and start to prepare me
for this new start.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks.
But,
even in all this craziness,
I am thankful for what the Lord is accomplishing.
I don't know the specifics
of what He is changing in me and growing in me.
But He is drawing me to Himself.
He is making me more like Himself.
And when my heart is overwhelmed,
to Him I can run.
And run to Him I shall.

Psalm 61:1-4
"Hear my cry, O God; give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings."

Psalm 68: 19
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation."

He is my good.

Blessings.

And it hits again...

You know how there are times that heartache and pain will ebb and flow?

I've been going through a season where the pain as been less. 

And it's been good.

It hasn't been easy, but it's been a blessing straight from the Lord.

The pain was less, and I was joyful.

The pain is starting to flow again though. 

The pain of my broken heart is starting to become more and more real. 

And today has been evident of that. 

I've been struggling a lot more over the past few days.
My heart hurts more than it has in a few weeks.
This could be caused by the lack of communication between me and my parents.
(Talking to them everyday becomes rather difficult when I don't have access to my cell phone.)
The inability to talk to them has reopened the wound...
almost as if I'm truly realizing the what is happening.
You know, the reality of the situation.
It's all hitting again.
And I feel almost immobilized.

I've been struggling in desiring to come before the Father.
I know I need to.
And by a certain point in the day, I finally run to Him.
But I'm really struggling.
It's hard at times for me to even pray...I lack energy, and I feel a huge burden.
This is one of those times when I will have to labor in prayer.
It's not going to be an easy season of coming before the Father, but one that will require discipline on my part.

So I keep crying out to God.
I keep begging Him to remind me of my sin, of my unworthiness, so that His grace might become that much sweeter to me.
I keep asking Him to use this time in my life for His glory and for my sanctification.

In the end,
He is the only One who will satisfy me.
Even though I'm struggling, I can still see the beauty of His grace and the gospel.
And that, my friends, is all because of His grace that He has lavished on me.
On my own, I am prideful and arrogant, and I think that I can do things on my own.
But the gospel confronts those issues in my heart and tears them to pieces.
Praise God for this gospel of His!

So, yes, the pain and gravity of the situation with my dad is hitting my heart once again.
But the riches of God's glorious grace are also raining down on my heart.
I can only hope in Christ and ask that His will be done.

Blessings.

Joy in the Unexpected

Many things have happened over
the past couple of days.
All could be considered
good or bad
depending on your outlook
on the circumstances.

Yesterday
I dropped my phone in a sink full
of soapy water.
This was the first time
I've ever done anything like that.
Ever.
And it makes me so sad.
Because it's one of the only ways
that I'm able to communicate with my dad.
I haven't heard his voice in a couple of days,
nor have I heard my mom's.
And it's so very hard.
Especially in light of everything
that's going on back home right now.

Yesterday my dad went in the the hospital
because his chest was hurting
and he was having a very hard time breathing.
So they took a chest x-ray,
and he had a ton of fluid in his chest.
So today he went in and had over a liter
of fluid drained out of his chest.

So.
It's been hard knowing that all this is happening
and not having a way to communicate
easily with them.
I mean, we've sorta been exchanging emails,
but there's nothing like calling and chatting,
even if it's only for a couple of minutes.

But not having my phone has been
teaching me to not be as dependent
on it.
A lot of things in my life
depend on my phone.
I use the calendar a lot to keep
track of events in my life.
I use the alarms to wake me up
and keep me on schedule.
But.
Those things have to change right now.
And I'm learning to be flexible.

Anyway,
a lot of other things have probably
happened within the past few days.
But at the moment,
I can't really remember.
What I do know is that there is joy
to be found even in these things.
The Lord is still faithful.
He is the source of my joy.
And even though things may not be
the way I thought they would be,
God is using these situations
to shape me more into His image.
They are for His glory.

Blessings.

The Love of God

Last Sunday, Jan. 20th, I was allowed to help lead worship at IDC, and one of the songs we ended up singing was "The Love of God." It's a hymn, and we did the arrangement by Ascend the Hill. This song has been echoing through my mind all week, and even now. I just can't seem to get the words out of my mind. They capture and display the magnitude of Christ's love and worthiness of worship. Take a listen. It's worth it.

http://youtu.be/9FtEa_gomWY

But anyway, this past week has been one of fasting a praying. IDC called the covenant members to a week seeking and petitioning the Lord on behalf of the Body. We were getting ready to renew our covenant to one another and to the Church. And so, I sought after the Lord.

What a sweet week it was. 

I'm not saying it was easy every minute, but the Lord was faithful. This week He reminded me of how great and good He is. He showed me His unending, unfailing love and grace. He showed me great grace in allowing me to have uninterrupted time with Him. He calmed my soul, granted peace beyond my understanding, and showed me how to trust Him more. 

So when it came time to go to worship this morning, my soul was filled with great joy. The Word spoken to my heart this morning was beautiful, and the joining with the saints to worship our Savior was a blessed time. All the covenant members renewed our commitment to the covenant, IDC, and each other. 

Precious. Just precious. 

My Sweet Savior is so good. And His love is so much greater than I could ever explain. 

I read back through Hebrews this past week. I wanted and needed to return to a book that has shaped me in so many different ways. As I was reading, I was struck anew with Christ's great sacrifice. 

Hebrews 5:9-10 says, "And having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation, being designated by God as a high priest according to the order of Melchizedek."

Christ was made perfect to become my salvation. 

His provision is perfect.

His grace is great. 

His love is everlasting. 

The Gospel is a beautiful thing. 

One of my hopes as I keep seeking after Christ is that I never stop hoping and longing for His Word. Because His Word gives live. His Word guides me. His Word points me to Christ. His Word incites my heart to worship. 

Psalm 119:1-24

"How blessed are those whose why is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord. How blessed are those who observe His testimonies, who seek Him with all their heart. They also do no unrighteousness; they walk in His ways. You have ordained Your precepts, that we should keep them diligently. Oh that my ways may be established to keep Your statutes! Then I shall not be ashamed when I look upon all Your commandments. I shall give thanks to You with uprightness of heart, when I learn Your righteous judgments. I shall keep Your statutes; do not forsake me utterly!

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. With all my heart I have sought You; do not let me wander from Your commandments. Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You. Blessed are You, O Lord; teach me Your statutes. With my lips I have told of all the ordinances of Your mouth. I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies, as much as in all riches. I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways. I shall delight in Your statues; I shall not forget Your word.

Deal bountifully with Your servant, that I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may behold wonderful things from Your law. I am a stranger in the earth; do not hide Your commandments from me. My soul is crushed with longing after Your ordinances at all times. You rebuke the arrogant, the cursed, who wander from Your commandments. Take away reproach and contempt from me, for I observe Your testimonies. Even though princes sit and talk against me, Your servant meditates on Your statutes. Your testimonies also are my delight; they are my counselors."

Blessings. 

Walking and Talking

I took advantage of this most
beautiful day
and went on a long walk.
I wanted to be outside.
And I think I needed some time
to just be with the Lord.
So we walked and talked.

As I was talking to Him,
I started rethinking a lot.
And freaking out a lot about some things.
But in the end,
the songs from worship this morning
continued to calm my mind.
The Lord is faithful forever,
He is perfect in love.
And He is truly sovereign.

So,
I'm sure you're wondering what
I was thinking about.
You're about to get the inside scoop.

First of all,
I need to preface one of these things:
this has been one of my deepest desires
since I was a child.
And for a long time I was sorta
ashamed that it was all I wanted
out of life
besides living a life glorifying to the Lord.
But it is nothing shameful.
It really isn't.
This is the only desire that I've
ever had persistently.
And it is one that God has not granted yet.
So.
I was walking and talking to the Lord.
And yet again,
I had to lay my overwhelming desire
to be a wife and a mom.
Every day I have to choose whether to
lay it down at the Lord's feet
and choose to worship Him.
It would be so easy for me
be bitter that the one great desire I have
has not been given to me yet.
It would be easy for me to say
that this is evidence that the Lord
is not good.
But, the truth is:
He is good.
He is so much better than anything I could ever want.
Including a husband and children.
Every day I have to confess
my desire to the Lord, 
that I love Him,
and that He is who I want.
I know that if I am never blessed
with a husband or children,
then the Lord saw fit
that I my life would bring Him
the most glory without them.
And I would be okay with that.
Because I know who I serve.
He is good.
He is sovereign.
Knowing that I may never be blessed
with a husband and children
does not stop me from praying for them constantly.
I pray that the Lord
would save my children,
that He would grant us the grace
to raise them into God-fearers,
and that they would desire
to live lives glorifying the Most High.
I pray that my husband would be
willing to lay down his life for the Lord,
that He would be so consumed with love
for Christ and the Gospel and the Church
that he would go to great lengths to
share the truth of what He believes with others.
Yes, I may never have these prayers
answered.
But maybe I will.
I really don't know.
But today has been one of those days
where this desire is very great in my heart.
So, it's been just one of those days of
laying it at the foot of the cross.

The other thing I was thinking
and praying about out on my walk:
I want to move home.
As in back to NM.
I've been praying a lot about it.
And I've asked several people to pray with me.
But I think it's what I want to do.
I want to be home
with my parents and family during
this hard time in our lives.
It's so hard to be supportive
being so far away.
So hard.
And, like I've said before,
I'm just not hopeful
that the chemo treatments will work.
And I'm still not hopeful that
my dad will be healed.
(I still feel so mean when I say
those things.
Because I still want to be
supportive,
but I don't feel like
I sound very supportive.)
And it scares me that
this could be the last year of my dad's life.
And I'm here,
so far away.
I'm scared about moving back.
But I'm also scared about not moving back.
I don't think either decision
would be a bad one.
It's just where do I want to be,
and where do I feel the Lord leading
me more.
I feel at peace more with leaving
and going home,
but I know it would be such a hard
transition.
I mean,
I've been living in NC
for a year and a half now.
And I've gotten used to it.
And I've fallen in love with the area
and the people.
And I love my Church.
That is the hardest part about leaving:
I would have to leave IDC.
I would have to say goodbye to
so many people who have been
instrumental to my growth over the
past year and a half.
And I would have to start from scratch
in another Body back in NM.
It scares me.
I'm not a huge fan of changes.
But I know the Lord would be faithful
in providing for me.
Who knows,
maybe the Lord will send a church planting team
from Southeastern or IDC to NM,
and I could one day be a part of that.

I'm not saying that I would forever be moving back to NM.
I mean,
there's always the possibilty
that the Lord wants to keep me there.
But there's no telling where He will send me.
I may move back for a few months and
then return to NC.
I may stay for a year and then go somewhere else.
I may not move back.
I'm looking at summer time being the
best time frame for the move...
and a lot can happen between now and then.

Like, I've made big plans before.
And they've been disrupted
by bigger plans that were already in motion.
God has this crazy way of interrupting plans that I make.
So I can plan to move back.
But if He has something else in store,
then He will make it happen.
So.

I've told my parents about wanting to move back.
And just like I thought he would,
my dad said that I didn't need to move back.
Jokingly, he said that I still haven't found my husband.......
(this would be where I reminded him that
I'm not guaranteed a husband.
And who's to say that the Lord couldn't make a way
for him to be in NM. So, that reasoning
was quickly cast aside.)
But both he and my mom
were very surprised that
I was even considering moving,
let alone that I was wanting to move.
And it came down to me telling them
that I desire to take care of them
and support them in their time of need.
They are my parents after all.

This would be a totally different
situation if I were married
or if I had a more permanent job,
etc.
But the fact is:
I'm single.
I'm still at a point where I am able
to move and be more flexible with things.

Anyway.
Conclusion to my thinking and praying this afternoon
about this subject?
I want to move back.
So I'm going to plan on that.
But I will be open to His plan.
And I will be submissive to His will for my life.


I just feel so overwhelmed
with what is happening in my life right now
and the thoughts that run through my mind.
I'm so thankful
that I have a Rock of refuge
to which I can run.
I'm thankful that I can hide
myself in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I'm so glad that He knows the
way
and is leading me by the hand.
He grants me comfort.
He gives me rest from this burden.
He makes me glad.

Blessings.

Sometimes, I just don't know.

I've been joking around with Rach
the past few days about
how the most common phrase
in my speech is
"I don't know."

But in all seriousness.
It truly is what I say.

A lot has changed over the last year.
And a lot has yet to change.

People ask me questions about things
that I just don't have the answer to,
and I have to admit that I just don't know.

Repeating over and over
that I don't know
has been a much more humbling experience
than I ever thought it would be.
Three little words
are constant reminders
that my knowledge only goes so far.
I don't know what the future holds.
I don't know what I should do with my life.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's humbling.
Because in all of this uncertainty,
I am forced to my knees in prayer,
and I am utterly dependent
upon the One who does know.

The Lord knows all things.
He knows when I sit and when I rise,
but He also knows my future.
And He leads me by the hand
down a path that He's already forged for me.
I do know that this path leads directly to Him.
How comforting.
I don't know so much.
But I do know enough to
bring me joy and comfort and peace.
You see, I know God.
I know His character.
I know He is faithful.
I know He lavishes grace on me daily.
I know His love is greater than all.
I know that Christ's righteousness covers me.
I know that Christ intercedes for me daily before God.
I know that the Spirit testifies on my behalf that I am a child of God.

And all of this knowledge
is what comforts me.
It gives me confidence to
step out into the unknown.

2013 is already proving to be
a more difficult year.
But I feel like it might be a very blessed
year as well.
A lot of changes are coming up.
But through it all,
I trust in the One who never changes.
And I can rest in the peace He gives me.

Blessings.


P.S.
I killed a giant cockroach at work the other day.
It was disgusting.
And it was a terrible experience.
I mean,
I didn't have Rach there to kill it for me
or pick up it's dead body...
so I had to do it.
Eeek.
Basically,
this is how it went down:

I was moving our ice cooler
so I could go fill it,
and underneath, there was a practically dead roach.
I freaked out and jumped away from it.
And I hoped that as I went to fill the ice chest,
it would scurry away, and then I wouldn't have to pick it up.
Wrong-o.
I came back...and it was still there.
Bleh.
So I went to get the cleaning supplies
for the bathroom.
I had the windex bottle,
and I decided to use that to smash the bug to pieces
so that I didn't have to step on it
and have the possibility that it would crawl up my leg.
(That is perhaps my greatest fear of bugs...
that they would "wake up" from being dead and decide to attack.
By crawling up my leg/arm.)
Anyway.
I smushed it with the windex bottle,
and when I did, there was this huge
pop
signaling that its guts has spewed
out of its body.
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Ew.
And then I prepared myself to pick up the dead roach.
I had to give myself a pep talk to do it.
I got about three times the amount of toilet paper
that I actually needed to clean up the bug.
But I didn't want to actually touch it.
And I picked it up and threw it away.
It was so gross!
I'm thankful I live with someone who does this...
because I can't do it. haha.